Outside Looking In
by rebeldivaluv
Summary: Interconnected vignettes telling key moments in Jackie and Hyde's relationship, as viewed by the people who know them best.
1. Donna Gets Answers

**Disclaimer: **I don't own. I don't steal. I just borrow.

**Spoilers:** Um, anything through season eight is fair game. Possibly minor ones for unaired episodes, but nothing major.

**Author's Notes:** So I wasn't going to start posting this story until I was finished, but, as anyone who knows me or has seen the way I eat on Thanksgiving can attest, I have virtually no willpower. On the other hand, I'm very good with excuses, and for this one, I can only say that as (except for the first two parts) each part of this story will be a self-contained vignette, there's no real way to say when it's done, except that I'll have covered all the moments I want. So far, I've completed at least the first drafts of the first four parts, and I'm planning on a seven or eight part series. My new goal is to only post a new chapter when I've finished another one, but given how well the first goal went, uh, we'll see. And for those who have read and so kindly reviewed my other 70s Show stories, I can only promise that this one is almost completely free from angst and full of fluffy fun. So...yay. And in case you're actually still reading these hideously long author's notes, you can stop now. For I am done.

**Outside Looking In**

**_I. Donna Gets Answers_**

The day that Sam left, no one cared. At least, no one directly involved. Or so it seemed to Donna.

It was Mrs. Forman who first told her of it. She had called Donna over as a last resort, after all her efforts to get "Steven" to open up failed.

"He just won't admit it's bothering him," she confided during Donna's briefing before being sent to the front lines. "You know how he gets, all straight-faced and broody, and he says he's fine, but he is _not_ fine, because when your wife picks up and leaves, you can't just be fine. And, here, bring him these cookies when you go; they're his favorites."

So armed with two dozen, peanut-butter chocolate cookies and an insufficient explanation of what had happened, Donna descended into the basement. She wasn't surprised to find Hyde sitting in his chair, legs crossed, face impassive, watching television. She didn't say anything at first. She just placed the plate of cookies down on the rickety, old table in the center of the room and took a seat on the couch, pretending to watch TV herself.

Hyde didn't react to her presence. He didn't even reach for a cookie. Donna wasn't completely sure he was awake behind those glasses.

Trying to beat Hyde at the quiet game had always been useless, and today was no exception. Ten minutes into _Charlie's Angels_, Donna caved.

"Mrs. Forman told me Sam left this morning," she began. Straightforward was always the best tactic when dealing with Hyde.

"Yep," he affirmed. He didn't move his gaze from the TV screen. He didn't even flinch.

"Come on, Hyde, you must be feeling something. Even if it's just, 'hey, look, cookies.'"

Hyde finally glanced at her, but there was nothing in his face that showed he was the slightest bit disturbed. "Hey. Look. Cookies." And back to the television, it was.

Donna tried another tactic. "Will you at least tell me _why_ she left?"

Hyde shrugged.

"She didn't even give you a reason?" Donna let her astonishment show.

"She talked a lot; I didn't listen much."

Frustrated, Donna leaned over and ripped the glasses from Hyde's face.

"Hey!"

"Sorry, buddy, but you had your chance to do this the easy way; now we do it my way. You don't get your shades back until I get some freakin' answers!"

Hyde glared at her for a moment, but he relented in the end, as she had known he would. His glasses were too precious to lose. "Fine! But I'm having a cookie first."

Donna hid her smile as he chewed hard, almost as though he was working out all his frustrations on the soft, home-baked treat.

"She left because things weren't working out with us," he confessed after every last morsel of the cookie had been swallowed.

"How is that even possible? I mean, I saw you two together. You never fought. You always seemed to get along perfectly."

"Donna..." Hyde stopped and stood, pacing the room. Donna knew he had always found it easier to talk about the emotional stuff when he didn't have to sit still and bear scrutiny. "You loved Forman, right?"

"What a stupid question. Of course I did." Still did, if the truth were known, but she didn't feel now was an appropriate time to get into her own issues.

"And did you always get along perfectly?"

Donna's mouth tipped. "Sure, if you don't count that million times a day he pissed me off." But she got what he was saying. "But if you knew you didn't love Sam, why'd you let it carry on so long?"

Hyde shrugged again.

"That kind of half-assed attempt to dodge an answer won't get you your glasses back. Personally, I think Randy would look really good in these, so..." She made as if to stand.

"It was just easier," Hyde said, all in a breath, like that was the only possible way he could get it out.

Donna sat back down. "Easier than what?"

"Than dealing with it!"

It was obvious Hyde's irritation with her questions was increasing. She tried to calculate how many more answers she would be able to get out of him and phrase her questions accordingly. She thought back over the events of the last nine months since Sam had first shown up on the Formans' doorstep. Hyde had simply taken it in stride; he was his general impassive self. But Donna had truly believed he wouldn't have let the girl stay if he didn't care for her; that was why she had gone out of her way to befriend her. She had never even considered he would take his "Zen" so far as this. And the more she thought about it, the fewer questions she had. She mostly just had statements.

"You lazy dumbass!"

"What?"

"You heard me, dumbass! You let that girl throw a year of her life away because you couldn't be _bothered_ to tell her you didn't really want to be married to her?" Now, Donna was the one standing, pacing, ranting, while Hyde had sunk back into his chair. "You would have spent a lifetime with a woman you didn't love because it was, what, more convenient? You selfish, cowardly, lazy dumbass! I think you have finally taken the crown away from Kelso with this one, Hyde. You are the king. And also, where is the stupid helmet? You need to wear the stupid helmet. For, like, a decade." She finally finished, breathing hard and eyes bugging, but feeling much relieved for the outburst.

Her relief vanished, however, when she realized that Hyde was sitting there, laughing—actually, _laughing_—at her.

Despite herself, Donna felt the urge to smile. She didn't give into it yet, though, because then Hyde would know he wasn't really in trouble, and it was too soon for that. "What's so funny, dumbass?" she said instead, though without any real bite to her words.

"I was thinking about how Mrs. Forman sent you down here to cheer me up."

Donna considered that thought for a moment herself. Kitty had wanted her to get to the "root of Steven's pain" and instead she had screamed at him. And Hyde had much preferred the screaming to any kind of emotional openness. Donna couldn't fight the smile any longer, and soon the smile became a laugh, and she and Hyde were lost in hysterical fits, only interrupted by the moments when she remembered she was still pissed at him on behalf of all womankind and frogged his arm in retaliation.

They were finally starting to calm down when the basement door opened and Jackie and Fez walked in. Jackie rolled her eyes and gave them her best 'I am far too good for the likes of you' look, while Fez pouted.

"You have had circle time without Fez? Basta—ooh, cookies!" And he quickly commandeered the still nearly full plate of Mrs. Forman's cookies.

"No, no, I swear we haven't dipped into the stash," Donna promised, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.

Jackie crossed her arms. "Then what's so funny?"

"His wife left him!" Donna shouted, pointing at Hyde, and then giggling again.

"What?" said Fez, so panicked he dropped his third cookie. "The stripper is gone? Donna, that is not funny; that is a tragedy! Hyde, how could you let your stripper wife leave without once having done the dance of love with Fez?"

Hyde ignored Fez's comment, but his eyes, still sans glasses, were fixed on Jackie's face. Donna's laughter subsided immediately, as another piece of the puzzle came together. She looked up at Jackie, who was standing near the doorway, arms crossed, expression disdainful. Jackie raised one eyebrow in curt, silent response to whatever it was she sensed in Hyde's look, and then coldly announced, "You'd better give Steven his glasses back, Donna. His emotions are showing."

With no further reaction and apparently unconcerned how she had shocked the others, Jackie sat down in the lawn chair closest to the door, grabbed a magazine off the table, and set about ignoring them all.

Donna was so busy gaping at her friend she barely noticed when Hyde swiped his glasses back and returned to his Zen pose in front of the TV. She stole a glance at Fez, but he was still enamored of the cookie plate and didn't seem to have noticed the interplay between the two. It was at times like this she especially missed Eric. They had so perfected a silent language over the years that a single look would have said it all between them.

Now, she was on her own, trying to decipher what was going on between her two best friends. It was odd that after so long together—all right, off and on together—so very little had been said or assumed about Jackie and Hyde this past year. From the time Jackie had come into the basement and announced she was done with men, she had never shown the least indication that Hyde was in her thoughts—even though men had, of course, resumed their place there eventually. She had always hated Sam, of course, but Donna thought it little different from the continued resentment Jackie always bore toward her ex-boyfriends' new girlfriends. She had been convinced Jackie had moved on and had never felt the need to discuss it with her.

She wondered suddenly if she had been wrong to assume so. If, more than that, she had been a bad friend not to notice what her best friend had been going through all year. But then, she hadn't noticed what was up with Hyde either. And neither of them seemed to really care that underneath her pretended indifference and new romance, Donna was still struggling daily with losing Eric. When had they all grown so far apart they never talked about the real issues in their lives anymore?

It had to change, Donna decided. So Eric was gone, and Kelso was gone. Four of them were still here, and she would be damned before she let the rest of her friendships just quietly slip away. And she would start by figuring out this whole Jackie and Hyde mess.

Fez's whimpering drew Donna out of her thoughts. "Fez! What's wrong?"

"I am just so sad about Hyde's wife. Remember when she would spank her ass? Why don't you two ever spank your asses?" He glared accusingly from Donna to Jackie. "Or each other's asses?"

"I know what would cheer you up," Hyde told him.

"I am sorry, Hyde. You are a good friend, but it does nothing for me when you spank your ass."

Hyde shot him a disgusted look. "Man, you get creepier by the day."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, they were gathered in the sacred circle. Hyde in his usual chair, Donna on the couch, Jackie in Eric's chair—Donna still thought of it as his and wasn't sure the day would ever come when she didn't—and Fez on the ottoman.

"So, guys," she announced, once the lovely haze in her head had made all her loneliness and worries seem to float away, "I've decided something. I've decided that...we're all just slipping away from each other, you know? Like, down the drain, drip, drip, dripping away." She had the feeling her friends weren't understanding her, so she used her fingers to illustrate, little drops dripping down, and, "_Down came the rain and washed the spider out,_" she sang.

Jackie looked at her in revulsion, but then turned her attention across the table to Hyde. "Well, I, for one, feel bad for Steven. I mean, who would ever have guessed that a drunken marriage with a slutty stripper wouldn't end in 'happily ever after'? Oh wait! I did."

"I wish I had married a slutty stripper," moped Fez. "I married a whorey Laurie, but that was not the same. She would only be whorey with everyone else but me. Why do the whores not love the Fez?"

"You've got peanut butter on your chin, man," Hyde told him.

"So once there was this spider on my wall, and I smashed it—BAM!" Donna's hand flew onto the table, upsetting its uncertain balance and making the others jump away. "With my bare hand! 'Cause I have, like, huge hands. I bet I could crush a cat with these hands. Not that I would, I like cats. But maybe a big cat, like a cougar, I bet I could crush a cougar!"

"Don't be stupid, Donna! You couldn't smash a cougar with your hands. You'd have to step on it with your giant feet. Just like Steven's stripper wife stepped all over his cold, dead heart." There was a little too much glee in Jackie's voice in that last burn.

"To hell with whores who do not love Fez!" Fez roared. He bit into another cookie. "What Fez needs is not a whore, but a woman who bakes. Like Miss Kitty. But, also, a whore. Baking gives me needs."

"You know what, Jackie?" Hyde started, leaning across the table toward her, before changing his mind, sinking back into his seat. "No, you know what? Never mind. Think what you want."

"_Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man._ Oh, man, I just got that! See, like, you pat a cake. Pat-a-cake! How awesome is that?"

"Oh, don't worry, Steven. I will think what I want, and I will be right no matter what I think. Because I? Am always right."

Fez leered at Jackie. "Ooh, someone is being feisty today." He turned to Hyde. "Are you just going to let her speak to you like that? I think someone needs a spanking, and that someone is Jackie."

Hyde's inexpressive gaze was rooted on his ex-girlfriend. "Believe me, don't tempt me."

"Have you not been listening? I am trying to tempt you! Spank that naughty girl," Fez ordered. "No, wait!" He grabbed the last cookie from the plate. "Now, you may proceed."

* * *

When the munchies had subsided, as well as that lava lamp glow to everything in the room, Donna invited Jackie back to her place for the evening. Because if she had to listen to Fez complain one more time about how no one had been spanked, she would be minus another friend.

Besides, it was the perfect opportunity to begin putting her plan into action. She figured Hyde had been grilled enough for one day, and he was liable to start lashing out if she put him on the spot again. Especially about such an always touchy subject as his feelings for Jackie.

But Jackie never had trouble spilling her guts about anything; the problem had always been getting her to shut up once she had begun. Donna had decided this was an occasion for which it was worth taking that risk. To make the process easier, she had even agreed to let Jackie give her a manicure—though she put her foot down at the prospect of another facial.

"So..." was Donna's articulate beginning, as Jackie scrubbed furiously at her fingernails and every few minutes mumbled something about proper cuticle care.

"Really, Donna, do you even _have_ a nail file?"

"Yes, though by the time you're done assaulting my fingers, there may not be any nails left to trim. I'll be known as Stumpy for the rest of my life."

Jackie glared at her, but gentled a bit with her hands.

Donna frowned. When had it become a difficulty to get information out of Jackie? "So, Jackie, anything you'd like to talk to me about?" Not unlike with Hyde, though for entirely different reasons, direct approaches worked best with Jackie.

"Oh! Well, I was at the salon yesterday, and who should walk in but Pam 'I'm so slutty I'd do it with my own brother, which is why my parents made sure I was an only child' Macy. So I said to her—"

"Hyde!" Donna broke in, unable to sit through a round of Jackie gossip, in addition to the manicure. There were only so many sacrifices you could make in a day. "I meant did you want to talk about Hyde?"

Jackie looked up at her, honest confusion in her face. "Steven? Why would I want to talk about Steven?"

"Uh, because his wife left him today? Because of the way he was looking at you, and those awful things you said to him? It _just _happened; you can't pretend it meant nothing."

Jackie simply shrugged, a self-defense mechanism Donna knew she had picked up from Hyde. They had influenced each other so much in their years together. Donna used to think that was a good thing; now she wasn't so sure.

"Don't do that!" she ordered. "I've had enough of that from Hyde today. Come on, Jackie. You know you can talk to me. Just tell me: are you really over Hyde?"

"Honestly? I don't know, okay? It was like, he was my whole world, and then he wasn't in my life at all, and I couldn't even let myself think about him, couldn't get closure, no matter what I said, because we never had a chance to even talk it out. He was married, and that's all there was to it. Like our time together didn't matter to him at all. Like it never even happened." The pain in Jackie's voice now that she was finally talking was so intense Donna wondered how she could ever have missed seeing it all these months.

"And now?" she asked, softly, apologetically.

Jackie shrugged again, discarding Donna's hand and turning her attention to her own nails. "And now...I don't know. He hurt me a lot, Donna. Too much, maybe. But I'm the one who let him. I'm the one who made him my world, and then demanded he make me his. I don't want to go back to that."

"No one said you had to. But if you still love him, don't you think you could be with him without making those same mistakes?"

"Maybe. I mean, it's possible. I think I've grown up a lot this year; I've learned to stand on my own, and I'm proud of myself for that. But, when all is said and done, I still want the things I've always wanted—a husband, a house, kids, security—and I've finally accepted that Steven is never going to be the kind of man who will provide those things. So it's a dead end road, and I'm not walking down it again."

"And so the constant burns were...what exactly?"

"Fun?" Jackie supplied uncertainly, as though even she wasn't sure of her motives.

"Oh sure, hurting someone you love is always a rush."

Jackie tossed her head. "Yeah, well, he hurt me first and worst. The way I see it, this is what he's had coming for a long time. His skank wife is gone, so what? If he expects me to fall all over myself over him again, he's wrong, and he should know it."

Try as she might, Donna couldn't get Jackie to say more on the subject.

* * *

Jackie went home to the apartment she shared with Fez about an hour later. Donna waited until she had vanished from sight before she sneaked back to the Formans' basement. With Jackie so unexpectedly close-lipped, Donna had decided to give it one last shot with Hyde. It was still early enough he should be up, and sure enough, when she entered, she found him on the couch with a can of beer and the television blaring.

"Nice to see you're recovering so quickly from your heartbreak," Donna teased, as she sat beside him.

"If you mention that one more time, girl or not, I'm gonna kick your ass."

"You couldn't take me," Donna boasted. "But if you answer one last question for me, I promise I'll never bring it up again as long as I live."

Hyde grunted his disbelief. "Whatever."

"Was Jackie the reason Sam left?"

Hyde was silent so long Donna was convinced he wasn't going to answer. She sighed in defeat, grabbed a beer, and sat back to watch TV in silence with him.

She was halfway through her beer and three-quarters of the way through an episode of _Baretta _when Hyde's answer threw her for another whirl.

"Jackie was the reason I told her to go."

"DAMN IT!"

Hyde turned to look at her. "What?"

"Now I have a million questions, and I promised I wouldn't ask any of them."

He only smirked.


	2. Kitty's Secret Mission

**Disclaimer: **Just borrowing.

**Spoilers:** General season eight, and specifically for 8x01 & 8x02.

**Author's Notes:** I told you I have no willpower. Part V is barely even started and here I am putting up the second part. I am a feedback whore, apparently. Thanks for all the lovely reviews; hopefully, they'll inspire the writing as well as the posting.

**Outside Looking In**

_**II. Kitty's Secret Mission**_

"And that's why Fez is now banned for life from Great America," Kitty said distinctly into the microphone, following it up with a nervous laugh.

From his seat at the kitchen table, Hyde chuckled, too. "Yeah, that was a good day."

"Oh, honestly, Steven." Kitty clucked her tongue and turned off the cassette recorder, deciding to finish her audio letter to Eric another time.

Steven would need all her love and support today, she was sure. His divorce papers had come, and he was sitting at the table, dutifully signing them and pretending—because it had to be pretending—to feel nothing at all.

Ever since Sam had left a month ago, Steven hadn't shown the slightest sign of grieving or missing her, and, as far as Kitty was concerned, there was something terribly wrong with that. Obviously, his scarred, orphan childhood prevented him from expressing the emotions he was bottling up from yet another desertion. Poor, darling boy. Kitty would have to make his favorite dinner that night to help him cope with the pain.

"So, Steven," she began gently, "don't you feel you're signing those papers a bit quickly? I mean, if you'd like some time to think about it, I could put them in a drawer for you for a while. Give you time to grieve. Or have a shot of tequila. Or four." She patted his hand in a motherly fashion. "Whatever you need."

"Thanks, Mrs. Forman, but I'm really all right." He added his signature to the last blank line and sat back, folding his hands behind his head. He seemed his old self, and was that a smile on his face?

Kitty frowned. "Steven, I'm starting to feel that you're not taking this seriously enough. I mean...I mean, divorce is a _sin_." She breathed out the last word in a hushed whisper. After all, if God wasn't paying attention, no need to alert him to the situation.

"You didn't seem to have a problem with that when it came to Fez and Laurie's marriage."

"Well, that was different," Kitty tutted, pulling her hand away and going to make herself busy in the kitchen. "That marriage was an _abomination_, and abomination is even worse than sin. It will send you straight to hell."

"You said the same thing about Sam when she showed up."

"If you're just going to keep throwing everything I've said in my face, this is going to be a very one-sided argument, Steven Hyde!"

"You always say—"

Luckily, Kitty was spared the humiliation of having any more of her opinions quoted back at her when Donna entered the kitchen.

"Hi, Mrs. Forman. Hey, Hyde."

"Well, hello, Donna. You're just in time to see Steven completely disregard the sacrament of marriage."

Grinning in a most inexcusable fashion, Donna turned toward her friend. "Got the final papers, huh?"

Hyde nodded, still reclining in that indolent fashion of his. "Yep. I am a free man again."

"In that case, maybe I'll ask you the favor I came over to ask Mrs. Forman."

"I'm a little disturbed that Mrs. Forman looks like a man to you."

"What?" asked Kitty, only half-following the conversation. "Donna, now that is cruel!"

Donna looked stricken. "Mrs. Forman, that wasn't...Hyde's the one...never mind. I came over because I had made plans to go shopping with Jackie this afternoon—"

"Wait a second," Hyde cut her off. "You _volunteered_ to go shopping with Jackie? Were you in a state of inebriation at that time? Or just temporarily insane?"

"Oh, come on, Hyde. She's my best friend; I don't have to be drunk to—okay, fine, I was drunk. The point is I just got a call from the dentist's office reminding me of my appointment today, so I have to go to that instead."

"The dentist will be less painful," Hyde assured her.

Donna looked like she agreed, but she didn't say anything in response, and continued with her story. "Anyway, I tried to call Jackie, but I couldn't get through to her. Ever since Fez discovered 976 numbers, their line is always busy."

"976?" Kitty repeated. "Is that to his home country? Have they finally got telephones there?" She hoped so. It would be good for that boy to be able to speak to people in his own tongue, whatever that might be.

"Er...sure, Mrs. Forman. So the thing is, Jackie is going to come over, and you know when she finds me not home, she'll come here, and I would really like to avoid the 'It's rude not to tell people when you have plans, _Donna_' speech, as well as the 'No one's going to be looking at your teeth when you're wearing last year's clothes, _Donna_,' addendum, so if someone else"—she sent a sly look at Hyde—"was willing to take her for me, I'd be in their debt for, like, ever."

Kitty could not believe her insensitivity. "Well, really, Donna, I can see why you thought I might be willing to take the Burkhardt girl to the mall—provided I could bring my own flask—but to expect Steven to deal with his ex-girlfriend on the very day of his divorce is—"

"I'll do it," Steven jumped in before she could finish her lecture.

Amazed, Kitty turned her gaze to him. There was nothing lazy about his pose now. He was bent forward in his chair, his hands resting on the table, and if it wasn't for the fact that this was Steven, who never showed emotion about anything, Kitty might have thought he looked a little anxious.

Adding to the wonder of the moment, Donna was smiling at him, like she knew a secret of which Kitty was completely unaware. "I thought you might. She'll probably be here around two, so if you want to go make yourself all pretty for her, you have some time."

"Shut your trap, Pinciotti," Steven huffed at her. But then he gathered up his papers and abruptly rose. "I have stuff to do." He walked out of the room with as much indifference and dignity as he could fake, but a moment later, Kitty heard him running up the stairs to his room.

Donna chuckled.

Kitty was perplexed. "I don't understand. Is there something going on between Steven and Jackie again?"

"Uh, not exactly. But I think Hyde wants there to be."

Kitty digested this news in silence. If Hyde still had feelings for his ex, it would certainly explain his indifference about this divorce. But could it possibly be a good thing for him to resume his rocky relationship with Jackie? Granted, he had seemed to grow up a lot when he was with her...shown more maturity...opened up on an emotional level...been happier...

"So, uh, have you heard from, um, Eric lately?" Donna asked, striving and failing for nonchalance.

"Not since that last letter I showed you. You know, Donna, I'm in the process of making him another tape. I'm sure he would appreciate a message from you." She recovered her cassette recorder and tried to hand it to Donna.

Donna blocked her attempt with her hands. "No thanks, Mrs. Forman. I, uh, need to go to...the dentist's! The dentist's!" And she ran out of there as if Michael Kelso was chasing her with a flare gun.

Kitty watched her go and then pressed the record button. "Donna says hi. In other news, Steven's divorce is nearly official, and there have been hints that he may reunite with Jackie. More as the situation develops." She turned off the tape with a giggle. She sounded just like Walter Cronkite.

Steven returned a few minutes later, bathed and changed and fresh-smelling. He was wearing his AC/DC shirt—Kitty still didn't understand why he felt the need to declare his support of power adapters—and looking as unsettled as Kitty had ever seen him. This was still Steven, though, so someone who didn't know him as well as she might have missed the signs altogether. Rather than returning to the kitchen table, he sat at the bar stool by the counter, situating himself in such a fashion that he could see out the back door without seeming to be turned away from Kitty and the room in general. He couldn't keep his hands still. First, they were in his pockets. Then, he put them on the counter, by his side, crossed his arms in front of him...

Kitty hid a smile as she decided to take pity on the boy. She reached into the refrigerator and grabbed him a beer. "Here. I think you could use this now."

"Thanks, Mrs. Forman." He barely sipped from it, but at least holding it gave him something to do with his hands.

"You know, Steven, I'm the last person to barge in where I'm not wanted." Steven seemed ready to offer up another contradictory statement, so she rushed on, "But if I may, I'd like to offer you a few words of advice. From someone a little older, little wiser, and well-versed in the ways of love." She laughed.

"Uh, thanks, Mrs. Forman, but I—"

"Jackie is...high-strung...and a little spoiled—okay, a lot spoiled...and not always a very nice person."

"Mrs. Forman, if you're trying to get me to change my mind, I gotta tell you I already know all that, and I don't really care."

"Well, that's good, Steven. Overlooking faults in the woman you love is a man's primary responsibility in life. But what I was trying to say is that despite all these things, she genuinely loved you, and you hurt her quite a lot. So because of all these things, she's probably going to want to see you hurt a lot in return. My advice is: let her."

"Let her?"

"Let her yell and scream and call you all kinds of foul names. She may throw things—don't duck." Kitty couldn't help the laugh that flowed from her at the thought of Steven cowering in fear of the little Burkhardt girl's rage. "But if you're patient and accept it as your rightful fate, she'll calm down eventually, and you two can get back to where you were before."

"That's great, Mrs. Forman, but I don't want to go back to that. I just want—"

The back door slid open, and Steven fell silent. Jackie took note of who was in the kitchen; her eyes skimmed right over her ex-boyfriend and fixed on Kitty. "Hi, Mrs. Forman. I was wondering if you've seen Donna today. She and I were supposed to go shopping, but she's not home. And I know even her frivolous mind can't have forgotten something this important, because I called her three times last night to remind her—and you have no idea how hard it is getting the phone away from Fez these days."

Finally seeing an opportunity for speech, Kitty answered, "Donna stopped by earlier actually; she asked us to tell you she has a dentist's appointment and won't be able to make it."

Jackie's pretty face clouded over with petulant displeasure. "It's rude not to tell people when you have plans, you know. I rearranged my whole day for this. And besides, she should have put her appointment off until I'd had a chance to fix her wardrobe. No one's going to be looking at her teeth when she's wearing one of her shirts from the big and tall men's department."

"Huh, and she said it would be last year's fashions," Kitty mused aloud unconsciously.

"What's that?"

Kitty tittered while she thought of a suitable fib. "Oh, I just said she's lucky to have a friend like you to keep her out of last year's fashions."

Jackie tilted her head to the side and beamed at her, all traces of irritation immediately wiped away. "You are so very right. I should do her shopping without her there, anyway. Otherwise, she pulls me over to those nasty plaid shirts, and I can't fight her! She can lift me bodily! This way, I know she'll be dressed appropriately, so I can be seen with her in public this summer. Would you mind driving me to the mall, Mrs. Forman?"

"I...well...that is to say..." Kitty shot a glance at Steven out of the corner of her eye. He was looking more apathetic now than he had since he heard Jackie was coming over; her ignoring him must have stung. "Nope. Sorry. Busy, busy, busy. I have to, um, take Shotzie to the vet. Oh, would you look at that? It's time to go now. So I'll just be around...but not here...finding Shotzie...and not listening."

She grabbed the cassette recorder on her way out. Noticing Jackie's incredulous look, she made a point of saying, "And this is _not_ for recording your conversation. No, this is for Shotzie. Eric wants him to say hello. He misses him."

"Didn't Eric nearly kill him?"

"He wants a chance to apologize!" Kitty huffed and ran from the room. Of course, no sooner had she slipped through the door between kitchen and living room than she stopped. This was too good an opportunity to pass up. A chance to put her newly developed spying skills to the test.

As quietly as she could, she pressed record and held down the button on the microphone. "Eric," she whispered, "Jackie is with Steven in the kitchen right now. I'm going to try to listen in—for your benefit, of course. I have a feeling this could be very interesting. Like _Mission: Impossible_. Only without the theme music. I _should_ have my own theme music."

She was nearly distracted from her original mission by trying to envision what the music which defined her life would sound like, but the muffled voices on the other side of the door brought her back to the business at hand. Still moving silently, she knelt by the door, cracked it open and held the microphone through. The words floated to her more distinctly now.

"...want to go with you? I like to actually enjoy myself when I'm shopping, and being forced to look at your face that long would sap every ounce of joy from my being."

Kitty half-expected Kelso to jump out from a hiding place and yell, "BURN!" at Jackie's harsh words.

"I'm going to ignore that for a couple of reasons. One, I just got divorced, so I'm feeling pretty good right now. And two, I don't think you really meant it."

"Oh, I meant it, trust me, I meant it."

Kitty pulled back the microphone long enough to whisper, "She didn't mean it. A woman knows these things." She thought that was a necessary editor's note to add for Eric, as in all the years he had spent with Donna he still had never learned to read beyond the spoken female word.

"You want to know what I think?"

"Not really." Classic Jackie boredom infused those two words; there could be no doubt she meant them.

Steven went on as if he hadn't heard her. "I don't think you're even that pissed at me. I think you're mad at yourself because you think you should be pissed at me, and you're trying to prove yourself wrong by lashing out."

"Thanks for the psych lesson, but I'll be going now, Dr. Freud."

"No, you won't, Jackie. You're gonna stand here and listen to me until I've had my say."

From her hiding place, Kitty winced. Why did the boy keep digging himself in deeper?

"That's funny. I used to beg you to talk to me, and you couldn't be bothered to say one word. Oh, wait. You had three of them, didn't you? 'I don't know.' So, see, I've heard your full vocabulary, and I'm leaving."

There was the sound of footsteps, and Kitty was afraid all her efforts were going to be lost, but then there was a slight scuffle, and a cry—more of shock than pain—from Jackie.

"Ow! Steven, let go of me!"

"Not until you listen, damn it. Then, if you still want to, you can leave, and I won't stop you or try anything like this again."

"Fine! But let go of my wrist first." A short pause followed.

"I think he's letting go of her wrist," Kitty commentated for Eric.

"Okay, I'm waiting. What could you possibly have to say to me?" Even without a clear line of sight, Kitty was sure Jackie faced Steven in full defensive mode, arms crossed, leaning backward with her weight on one leg. It was the intuitive posture of every woman when facing a man in deep shit—pardon the thought language.

"Jackie, I—"

"I swear to _God_, Steven, if you tell me you love me, I am walking out that door, and you won't even have the chance to try this again, because you will never _see_ me again."

Kitty was shocked and almost proud of Jackie's vehemence. It said a lot about a girl's character when she wouldn't let a man squirm out of trouble with those too often used words.

"I wasn't going to. I just...we never really had the chance to talk about what happened last year."

"No, I think that moment was ruined when your _wife_ showed up."

"If you expect me to apologize for marrying Sam, I won't."

Kitty's mouth dropped open. What the h-e-double toothpicks did Steven think he was doing? This was no way to go about winning a girl back! She was half-tempted to interrupt the conversation before it went any further. Only the recollection that secret agents never revealed themselves until they had gathered all of the incriminating confession held her back.

"Sure, why should you apologize for breaking my heart and running off to marry some stripper who then broke yours? Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Not like with me ever daring to speak to another guy besides you, because apparently that's an unforgivable sin."

"Okay, it wasn't just 'another guy,' it was your sex-addicted ex-boyfriend—in a frickin' towel, no less. And lay off the sarcasm already; this isn't you."

"How exactly would you know? You've barely spoken to me in a year. I could have changed completely. I could be...be...punk for all you know."

"Jackie, you're not punk."

"How do you know?"

"Well, for one thing, you've bathed in the last twelve hours, and for another, you're wearing a unicorn t-shirt."

"Fine! Whatever. So you've told me you're not sorry for anything you've done and that I am a slut who is not to be trusted. As flattering as this has been, may I go now?"

Jackie sounded on the verge of tears, and Kitty couldn't blame her. She would _not_ be making Steven's favorite meal for dinner after this. _I wonder what Jackie's favorite dessert is_, she pondered.

"I didn't say that! Quit putting words in my mouth. What I said was I wasn't sorry I married Sam, and if you had let me finish, you would have heard me say that I'm not sorry I married Sam, because if I hadn't I might never have figured out how much you meant to me."

"And it only took you ten months married to somebody else to figure that out. Wow, I'm blown away by the depths of your emotion."

"I had to give it a shot," Steven responded, his voice flat and even now. "I thought if anyone could get you out of my head, it would be someone like Sam. But all it did was show me you're there whether I like it or not. It's like...it's like I'm infected with you or something. I can't get over you, and I was fooling myself and everyone else by saying I had."

"So I'm like the flu?"

"Crap, Jackie, now you're just making up reasons to be offended. Look, I know I hurt you—badly—and for that, I am sorry, truly sorry, okay? I know the words don't make it better, though, and I can only show you I've changed by the fact that I'm still standing here when every gut instinct has been telling me to split."

There was a long, loaded silence. On Kitty's side, it was interrupted when the cassette reached the end of the side, and she had to hastily switch it over. She was surprised neither of them came to inspect the noise, but then figured they were too wrapped up in their discussion to notice.

"You're, uh, not saying anything." Kitty smiled at the boyish nervousness in Steven's tone. She heard it so rarely with him.

"I'm not sure what to say, okay? I've got fifty little Jackie's talking in my head, and while normally there is nothing I love better than the sound of my own dulcet tones, as none of them will let any of the others finish a thought, I can't exactly come to a decision right now."

Kitty's head spun as she tried to follow that logic, but Hyde simply asked, "What kind of things are they saying?"

"Well, sensible me—the one who sounds like she has spent too much time with Donna—is saying you've hurt me too much and too often and I should walk out of here and never look back. But, like I said, she sounds too much like Donna, so I don't like to listen to her. Then there's shallow me; she thinks I should humiliate you in a public setting and then date someone really fabulous—like Donny Osmond—and get my picture splashed across all the front pages, so it can be an ongoing heartache that haunts you the rest of your life. But I try to put that voice behind me now. Although she also said I'm prettier than Marie, and that's just true."

"Jackie—" Steven tried to interject.

"But, see, in the midst of all of that, there's this stupid voice way down deep inside of me that says I love you, and, somewhere in the midst of all that scruff, you love me, too, and the rest of it is like ugly girls in high school—it doesn't matter at all." Her voice had softened, but she rushed on fiercely, "But I'm not sure I'm listening to that voice either, because that idiot got me in trouble before."

"Er, all right. But you're still here; that's a good thing, right?"

"I guess that depends on how much you're willing to give."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I can maybe—_maybe_—get past everything that has happened, but I'm not going back to where we were, Steven. I'm not willing to be your plaything until you find another reason to freak out and hurt me."

"Plaything?" Steven sounded amused at the term.

"Whatever. I need to know you're committed to me. I won't be your rebound girl, just because your wife left you."

"Jackie, didn't Donna tell you?"

"Tell me what? Donna doesn't tell secrets. It's another of the countless ways in which she's completely unfeminine."

"Sam didn't leave me. I told her it was over. Because of you."

"Oh Steven...that's the sweetest ten-months-too-late gesture anyone's ever done for me!"

Kitty frowned. She honestly couldn't tell from Jackie's syrupy tone whether she was being sarcastic or not.

"Anything for you, doll." The way he said it made Kitty suspect there was more to it, some private joke she couldn't possibly understand.

"You had better mean that, because I have a list of demands a mile long. I mean, it might be longer than my Christmas list—the one when I was fourteen, _the_ Christmas list."

"Jackie, I'm not going to bow and scrape for you. You either forgive me, or you don't. You either take me back, or you don't."

"The first thing I want," began Jackie, as though she hadn't heard him, "is an acknowledgment that we have a future together. I'm through with ultimatums, and, quite frankly, if you asked me to marry you at this point in time, I would use every self-defense trick that rude karate teacher taught me against you. You have to prove yourself worthy of marrying me."

Steven released an exasperated breath. "Jackie, I'll tell you again, I don't plan on proving myself at all. I won't be on probation with you. But you are right about one thing—you deserve to know my intentions. If I'd been honest with you the first time you asked, maybe none of this mess would have happened. I'm glad you realize we're not ready to get married; it's what I think, too. But, you should know that, well..."

There was an uncomfortable pause, where Kitty could hear Steven clearing his throat and knew he was working up the courage to be completely honest. Not something one saw from Steven Hyde every day. "Basically, as far as I can see into my future, I see you in it. I want you in it."

"Oh Steven..." Jackie's voice melted like cheese in a fondue pot. "That's all I ever wanted to know. Of course, as it comes so overdue, I also expect presents. Lots of them. 'I'm sorry' presents, and Christmas presents, and Valentine's presents, and 'this dress looked so perfect on you, I just had to buy it' presents. Because you are so lucky I'm taking you back, so you can stop making that face at me. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you, and you know it, so it's time you start treating me like the princess I am."

Kitty bit back a laugh. Reunited less than ten minutes, and Jackie was already back to her old self. Somehow, despite his protestations, Kitty sensed Steven was grateful to have it so.

"What are you doing?" Jackie asked. "You stay over there. You don't have kissing privileges yet. You have to—mmph...mmm..." Her noise of protest changed almost immediately to a moan of contentment.

"I believe he is kissing her now," Kitty whispered, in case the noise didn't translate over the microphone. She opened the door a little further, to give herself a view into the kitchen. Steven had Jackie pulled so tightly to him there seemed room for neither air or light to separate them. "Yes, I have confirmation of the kissing...my goodness! Steven seems to have some skill in this regard..." She giggled girlishly. "You should have asked him for pointers, honey...he's—oh my, oh my, when your father gets home, I'll have to try...well, this is getting ridiculous, the next thing you know they'll be—they will be! I have to go now. Bye, sweetie!"

Kitty pulled back into the living room and stopped the recorder, before rising hastily to her feet—well, as hastily as she could. Her knees were rather sore; no one had warned her how uncomfortable spy work could be for the body. But no time to think of that now.

She burst in on the still kissing couple, shouting, "Not on my table! Not on my kitchen table! I only had it waxed last week!" She could not bear to think of another incident like the one with Eric and Donna a few years before, all that naked, writhing...well, she just couldn't think of it, was all.

Jackie and Steven broke apart and looked at her. Kitty wasn't sure if they were bewildered from her sudden appearance or still dazed from the force of that kiss.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Forman. What about your table?" Jackie asked.

"What?" Kitty laughed nervously. "I didn't say table! No, I said...unstable. I'm clearly unstable!"

Steven was smirking at her; he, she was sure, had no doubts as to what she had said or what it meant. "I wouldn't go that far, Mrs. Forman. Eavesdropping isn't a sign of mental instability as much as it is of moral deficiency."

"Eavesdropping? I haven't been eavesdropping! I've been doing laundry. In the basement. All this time."

"But I thought you had to take Shotzie to the vet?" Jackie pointed out.

"Well, I do. But I wanted him to have his little sweater, you know, and it wasn't clean, but now...it is, so I'll be going." She started backing out of the room. "Toodles!"

"See you. And don't worry, we'll be sure to have the table waxed again." Steven's laughing at her was the last straw. Why was she running out of her like a guilty child? This was her house and her kitchen.

"All right, all right, out with both of you," she said, halting her retreat and fighting back with the vengeance. "I have dinner to make. Jackie, will you be staying?"

Jackie looked at Steven. Steven shrugged, but smiled and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "I'd like that, Mrs. Forman. Thanks." She took Steven's hand in hers and pulled him out of the kitchen and down the stairs to the basement.

Where they stayed until Kitty called them up for dinner. And for the sanctity of her kitchen table, she pretended not to know why.


	3. Leo Says I Love You

**Disclaimer: **Borrowed for better treatment than they are currently receiving.

**Spoilers: **General season eight.

**Author's Notes: **So chapter five is still not written (well, it's started, but little progress has been made), but I figure, it's Christmastime, productivity in the fandom world is supremely overrated. Real life is crazy enough. Beyond that, let the unapologetic fluff fest begin...

**Outside Looking In**

_**III. Leo Says "I Love You"**_

Loud Girl was back again. Over the past...well, Leo wasn't really sure how long it had been; time was pretty tricky, man. But lately, whenever he turned around, she was there. And this wasn't like the time he saw Winston Churchill, and it turned out to be a pregnant lady, either. This was Loud Girl. In the record store. All the time. Being loud.

And, today, she had decided to talk to him. She put down her magazine, left her spot on the couch, and walked deliberately over to him. "Hi, Leo," she said with a beautiful smile.

"Hi, Loud Girl. Why are you here?"

"Waiting for Steven. We're going out to lunch." There was something in the way she was speaking to him—and come to think of it, he wasn't sure Loud Girl had ever spoken directly to him before; it was always "could someone tell the dirty, old hippie that..." or "make the dirty, old hippie go away..."—and the sweet little flutter of her eyes that let Leo know she was up to something.

"I can't give you free records. I got in trouble for that before. Well, not serious trouble, but Hyde yelled at me, man. I don't want any part of that."

"I don't want free records, Leo. And if I did, I would tell Steven, and he would give them to me, which is why I won't because then he thinks he doesn't have to buy me things, and that is completely untrue."

"You sure talk an awful lot," Leo commented.

Her eyes narrowed, and he felt suddenly uncomfortable, the way he used to feel when his old lady looked at him. "There is nothing more soothing than the sound of my voice; I am simply sharing that joy with you—you dirty, old hippie." Then, inexplicably, she gentled. "I mean, I wanted to tell you how lovely you're looking today, Leo. Did you comb your beard differently?"

"Man, I knew I've been forgetting something. Huh, look, there's a bit of hamburger in it. I haven't had burgers since last Monday!"

Loud Girl made a disgusted face. "Ewww...okay, I can't talk to you much longer, or I may never be able to get clean again, so let me get to the point. Don't you think that love is the most important thing in the world? And don't you think that people who are in love should be able to express that love to each other in a verbal manner for no special reason at all, just because they feel it?"

"I get it now, man! All this hanging around here every day. Loud Girl, you're in love with me!" He threw his arm around her thin shoulders and pulled her to him. "I'm flattered."

She shuddered and pulled away, ducking under his arm. "Keep your hands off me! Is that a stain on my dress? Eww, I have hippie germs on me. I don't love you! I love _Steven_, and he loves me, but I want your help convincing him that he needs to tell me. And not a 'me too' when I say it, or to get himself out of trouble, but just because, well, look at me, I'm a beautiful, desirable woman, and I deserve to hear it."

"Aww, Loud Girl, I love you. Even though you might want to work on the being nice thing, 'cause you got problems with that, man."

"For the last time, I don't care about you. I don't care about you so much that it doesn't even bother me that you can't remember my name, even though it is the most beautiful name in the world. _Jackie_." She paused, looking dreamy at the sound. "But Steven likes you, so I put up with you, and I think I've done a very good job at that, so in return for putting up with you—which, you must admit, is a really hard thing to do—I would like you to tell my boyfriend to tell me he loves me. I can't do it myself, because then he gets all stubborn about not doing things when I tell him to, which is stupid. I mean, it makes me go to all these lengths which could be easily avoided if he would always do exactly what I tell him to do the moment I tell him to do it."

"You got a boyfriend? You really shouldn't go around telling other guys you love them when you have a boyfriend. That's not cool, man."

Loud Girl groaned. Loudly. "Okay, that's it. I give up. I knew I should have talked to Randy about this." She walked off.

"Oh, she must be Randy's girlfriend," Leo mused. He paused. "Wait a minute. Who's Randy?"

* * *

It was Leo's favorite time of day. Those annoying people who were always asking him stupid questions—like, "Where are your Pink Floyd albums?" ("At home, man.")—had all gone away, and it was his time to relax.

"So I've got this problem," the new guy—Leo thought his name was Bart—announced.

"Oh, hush, everyone. _New guy_ has a problem. We must all lose our high because _new guy_ has a problem," the foreign kid sniped.

"Fez, I've been here a year. Don't you think it's about time you stopped calling me 'new guy'?"

"So _new guy_ thinks he's entitled to a name now, does he? Well, _new guy_, I was _foreign kid_ for six freaking years before you showed up, so you may shut it, all right? You are lucky even to be sitting in the sacred circle. Bastard."

"Fez, relax," Hyde instructed, looking relaxed enough for all of them with a nice haze circling his head. Leo thought he saw a giraffe among the clouds, but he could be wrong—it might have been a zebra. "The circle is always open to the problems of life. Tell us what's up, man. We might be able to help. And if we can't, at least we can laugh at your misery."

"Man, I have a problem," Leo spoke up. "How does a giraffe go through a tunnel?"

The new guy stared at him like he was speaking Chinese. Leo was pretty sure he wasn't, though maybe he was, and he just didn't know it. It wouldn't be the first time.

Bart shook his head and turned away, looking across Hyde's desk at—huh, that was funny. Hyde was sitting there, right behind his name. It was like looking at a portrait in a museum. "So last night, I'm out with Donna, right? And I tell her I love her, and nothing. She just stared at me. She didn't say it back. What's it mean when a girl doesn't say it back?"

"Huh, that's funny," Leo said. "The same thing happened to me today. A girl came up to me in the store and told me she loved me."

Bart was looking at him again. "Leo, that's the complete opposite of what I said."

"That's what I said, man." Maybe he wasn't speaking Chinese. Maybe Bart was deaf.

"No, Leo, you said it was the same thing, but it was the opposite," Hyde explained.

"So opposite and the same aren't the same, man?" Leo's head was starting to spin. And not in the good way.

"No, they're opposites. But can we get back to my problem, please? Have any of you ever had that happen to you? You say I love you, and she doesn't? That's never happened to me before, and I'm kinda freaked. Well, not as freaked as I was before circle time." He grinned. "I like circle time."

"Oh, so when it happens to _new guy_, it is a big deal. But when it happens to Fez over and over and over again, no one cares? Well, I will tell you what it means, _new guy_. It means she doesn't love you. And that, my friends, is a _burn_." It might have been the haze speaking, but Leo was almost positive Fez sang that last word.

"Randy, Randy, Randy," Hyde chided. Then chuckled. "Huh. Your name is Randy. Randy. Randy Randy. That's good stuff."

"I met Randy's girlfriend today, too, man." Leo stopped. "Who's Randy?"

"Leo, for the last time, _I'm _Randy. I work with you at the store, remember? Seen you every day for a year. I'm the one who comes in every morning and says, 'Hey, Leo. It's me, Randy.'" He started laughing. "You're right, man. My name is hilarious! Randy, randy Randy, Randy..."

"Oh, guys, look at me, I'm Randy, I'm so cool, even my name is cool," Fez said in a high falsetto. Then his face took on an expression of loathing. "My name is cool, too, you son of a bitch."

Hyde's face scrunched up in thought. "What is your name, Fez?"

Fez opened his mouth to reply, when Hyde suddenly went on, "Never mind. We were talking about something. What was it? Oh yeah. Randy's woman problems. Now, see, here's where you first went wrong: never tell a girl you love her unless it's absolutely necessary. Once you've used those words, Pandora's Box has been opened, man. She'll expect to hear them _all the time_. See, what you need to do is wait until she says it, and then you say, 'me, too.' You make her happy, and you never have to be emotionally honest." Hyde gave a smug nod at his wise philosophy.

"It true, man," Leo agreed. "When I told Randy's girlfriend 'I love you,' she went crazy. Chicks are confusing, man."

"Wait. You told Donna you love her?" Bart shook his head. "Never mind. I don't want to know. But, guys, I already said it. I can't take it back now. What should I do?"

"Do? Do? You should flee the country, that's what you should do. Run away and never return!"

"Fez, fleeing the country is for when the government tries to put you in their unholy wars. In Randy's case, he should play cool. Let Donna come to him."

Leo's mouth gaped. But what about Loud Girl? "Donna? Man, this Randy guy sure gets around. Sounds like a real jerk. Hope I never meet him."

"Leo, _I'm Randy!_ And beyond that...I'm not really sure what you're talking about. So, Hyde, what do I do if Donna doesn't come to me?"

"Oh, sure, only talk to Hyde! It's not like Fez would have anything to say. Fez has a way with the ladies, too."

"Yeah, a way of making them move to Canada," Hyde said with a chuckle. "And if Donna doesn't come running—which, frankly, why would she? When a girl doesn't say I love you, you've obviously screwed things up beyond repair—don't worry, man. We'll still be here...to laugh at your pain. Because that's going to be seriously funny, man."

"Their necks are so long is the thing. Do they have to build special giraffe tunnels?"

Everyone stared at him.

"What? Am I speaking Chinese again?"

* * *

"So I asked Donna why she couldn't say it back. And she says, 'Because I couldn't, I don't love him,' and I'm like, 'Well, that's not shocking, because, besides being kinda handsome in a bland white bread sort of way, he really doesn't have anything going for him.'—"

"Hey, I'm standing right here!"

"Yeah, I noticed that, but I'm not talking to you, so I don't really care."

It was a slow day at the record store. Leo knew this because Bart and Hyde had talked about it. ("It's a slow day today." "Yep.") Loud Girl was here again, talking to Hyde. And because Loud Girl was so loud, their conversation was drifting to all the occupants of the store.

Loud Girl had turned to glare at Bart as she spoke to him, but abruptly turned back to Hyde, who was sitting across from her at the counter. "But then I told her that at least he's bigger than her, which Eric sadly never was. And she told me not to mention Eric to her, ever again."

"Well, that makes sense, Jackie. He hurt her a lot, what with the whole going to Africa thing...and then the breakup thing...and now this extra year in Africa thing..." Hyde said. "That reminds me; when he gets back, best friend or not, I'm kicking his ass."

"Oh, Steven, you're so sweet." She ran a caressing hand down his cheek. Leo hoped Randy wouldn't find out about how close she and Hyde were getting. "But you're so clueless. If a girl is over a guy, they never have a problem talking about them behind their back. As bizarre as it sounds, I think Donna still loves Eric. But then, that was always too bizarre for me. I think maybe she needs a guy she knows she could beat up if she had to."

"Okay, as much as I enjoy hearing how my girlfriend is crazy about another guy, can I head out now, Hyde?"

"Yeah, sure. See you tomorrow, Randy."

"That is if you can face the world knowing you lost to a skinny, pale-assed boy living in a mud hut," Loud Girl said with a sympathetic head bob. "We'll understand if you can't."

The bells over the door chimed as Bart shut the door behind him with a bang. There was a loud, clanging, jarring sound to them which reminded Leo very much of something...

"I've got to say I'm beginning to see why Donna wouldn't want him, even over Eric. He looked like he was going to cry! Please, what kind of man cries? That's why I love you so much, Steven. You bottle up your tears way down deep inside where they should be."

Leo wished he could think of what that din reminded him.

"Did you hear me, Steven?"

"Yeah. What?"

"I said I love you." Loud Girl spoke slowly, enunciating every word. "Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Of course, Jackie. It means so much it makes me want to cry. Good thing I know how to bottle these things up, huh?" Hyde smirked at her.

Loud Girl scowled. "You really think you're clever, don't you?"

Hyde was still smiling in a smug fashion.

"Fine. I hope your cleverness amuses you as much as what I have in this bag would have." She pulled out a small, pink bag from among the shopping packages at the foot of her stool. "Because this is what I was planning on wearing tonight, but just for that, it will be flannel. And, oh yes, I'm buttoning the top button, Steven!"

Hyde wasn't smiling anymore.

* * *

A few days had passed since then. Bart hadn't been in to work, so Leo had nearly forgotten he existed. Loud Girl had been by, but so far had not given Leo a peek at what was in the small, pink bag. He wasn't sure if Hyde had been allowed to see it or not, but he was pretty sure that Randy hadn't, because she never mentioned him anymore.

Today was dreary. The sky was overcast—though Leo had still been in a great haze on his way to work, and when he looked at it, it was overcast in purple and neon green, so that was pretty awesome—the wind was chilly, and sometime in the afternoon, it had started to rain.

It was almost closing time before Loud Girl showed up. The door crashed open from the force of the wind, and she seemed to be practically blown through herself. She was drenched from head to foot, her umbrella had turned inside out, her dress was splattered with mud, and she had a look on her face from which even Leo's old lady would have quailed.

"Whoa, man! Did you just come from under the Third Street bridge?"

Her whole face scrunched up like she was about to cry. Instead, she hollered at the top of her lungs. "STEVEN! Make the old hippie stop bothering me!"

Hyde emerged from his office. He took one look at Loud Girl and quickly approached them. "Leo, shut the door, please."

"No problem, man. But I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. I have friends that live there; I was wondering if she'd seen them."

"_Steeeven_..." Loud Girl whined, cuddling up next to Hyde.

Hyde put an arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. "Just lock up for the night, man," he told Leo, all the while leading Loud Girl over to the couch in the middle of the room.

She sank gratefully onto it, still cuddling close to Hyde's side. "I have had the _worst_ day. First, I went in to get my hair done, and Fez wasn't there, so they gave me to a trainee—_a trainee_, Steven. It's like going for a Swedish massage and being met with a plumber. She butchered my hair! I should sue. I wonder if Daddy knows any good lawyers—I mean, better than the ones who landed him in prison."

"Your hair doesn't look that bad," Hyde soothed.

"That's only because you can't tell because I got caught in this monster downpour when my car stalled, and I had to _walk_ three blocks in the mud and rain to call a tow-truck. And the tow-truck driver was so sleazy Steven. He kept calling me 'pretty lady'—and not even in a flattering way, in a way that made me fear for my life—he was so big and sweaty and greasy and eww."

Hyde moved to the other end of the couch, but just as Leo was beginning to think he was trying to get away from Loud Girl for circle time, he pulled her muddy boots onto his lap and started removing them from her feet.

"But those were only, like, the beginning and end humiliations of the day from hell! Work was _awful!_ Not one person commented on how pretty my dress was—they were probably all distracted by the horrible crime that had been committed against my hair."

"If it still bothers you tomorrow, have Fez fix it." Hyde took one of her bare feet in his hands and began massaging her instep.

Loud Girl sighed. Loudly. "I will. But it bothers me that there are people who don't know the difference between hot rollers and a rolling pin. The world is a scary place sometimes." She settled back against the couch cushions, leaning her head back against the armrest and closing her eyes. Funny, when her mouth was closed, she was really very pretty.

"Yeah. I'd say that hot roller thing ranks right up there with nuclear war and roller disco as the greatest threat to our lives today," Hyde said, and Leo added hot rollers to his mental list of world evils. He used to have a written list about that, but he couldn't remember where he had put it. Which was pretty funny because "losing stuff" had been at the very top.

"Are you teasing me?" she demanded, with a petulant pout.

"Yeah. But only in a nice way."

"Oh, okay then. So what was I saying?"

Hyde put down one foot and reached for the other. "Your horrible day."

"Oh, right," but she didn't sound nearly as upset as she had before. "Well, it was just one of those days where..." Her voice trailed off into a yawn.

"Nothing seems to go right?"

"Mm-hmm," Loud Girl mumbled, sinking further into the cushions as her body relaxed. Was she going to sleep?

Hyde smiled—a genuine smile, Leo thought, not something he had ever seen on Hyde's face before—and stood, gently laying Loud Girl's feet down on the couch. He took off his jacket and placed it over her torso; then he leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I love you, Jackie," he whispered. Or at least that's what Leo thought he whispered. It might also have been "Elephant juice is tacky," but, while true, that didn't make as much sense in this situation.

As if suddenly aware he was being watched, he straightened and glared at Leo. "I thought I told you to lock up, man."

"I did."

"Then why are you still here?"

"The door's locked, man. I couldn't get out."

"Whatever. Circle time?"

Leo grinned. "I thought you'd never say it."


	4. Fez's Roommate Woes

**Disclaimer: **I have Christmas presents to buy. I don't have money to spare on TV characters.

**Author's Notes: **This will probably be my last update until the holiday season ends. The next part isn't even half-done, and I don't know when I'll have time to work on it. So happy holidays and merry Christmas, and I'm sorry Fez is such a creepy bastard, but he just is.

**Outside Looking In**

_**IV. Fez's Roommate Woes**_

The headboard was banging against the wall again. Fez tried to cover his ears; honestly, he did. He even turned up his ocean sounds tape, but, alas, to no avail. There was no escaping the sounds of lovemaking.

Fez was not by nature averse to such noises. Indeed, he rather relished them. But after a while, it ceased to be erotic and became only a taunt. _Ha-ha_, each pound against the wall seemed to say, _there is sex in this apartment, and you are not part of it._ He couldn't even watch. The last time he had tried to sneak in and observe one of their trysts, Hyde had beaten him so badly he couldn't even enjoy the fine line between pleasure and pain. There had only been pain.

Pouting, Fez flopped over onto his back. Jackie's screams of pleasure—and, of course, she would be that loud—echoed through the wall. He wished that would be the end of it, but experience had taught him better. Once they got going, they could be occupied like this for hours. Fez would face another morning sleep-deprived and needy, and his work would suffer for it. It was hard to produce masterpieces out of the vile multitudes when a goddess's screams still rang within his head.

If he had known it would be like this, he never would have pretended to be happy for them when they reunited. Of course, the option of being truly happy for them had never occurred to him, what with the fact that now the lovely Jackie was never likely to fall in a drunken, willing heap into his amorous arms. But still...he had imagined sweaty nights filled with live porno in the very next room, and perhaps, occasionally, an invitation to join? He should have known better. Hyde wasn't like Kelso. He had never learned how to share.

"_Ohh...ohhh...ohhhhh—STEVEN_!"

"Oh, shut up, whore," Fez grumbled under his breath. Against his will, he felt that damned thing of his start to stir. He lifted his sheets and peered down at it. "You shut up, too."

He knew it was pointless. He had needs, and since Jackie was too occupied to fill them, and Hyde was too selfish to share, he would simply have to make do with himself. And it wasn't fun that way anymore. _Well, not as fun_, he amended, as his hands started slowly stroking his little men. He hadn't yet met a girl who knew how to pleasure him as well as he did himself.

Though he bet Jackie would know how, he thought, as he heard Hyde let out a low groan of release. Underneath that pristine mask of beauty she put on everyday, there lived a feral wildcat. And, oh, how he would love to tame her.

But only Hyde had that option now. Though, in all truth, there was no one better than Hyde for the job. His powerfully-built body, strong hands, iron expression were the perfect counterpoint to Jackie's small, womanly beauty. They matched so well together, even in Fez's head, which had a tendency to picture the tiniest details in situations like this.

And it wasn't like there were _no_ benefits to Hyde and Jackie being reunited. Instead of the flannel armor Jackie usually wore as pajamas, when Hyde stayed over, she was often found the next morning in nothing more than panties and one of his rock band t-shirts. Fez thoroughly enjoyed that, until Hyde caught him staring at Jackie's legs and ordered her to get dressed. Spoilsport.

And while Hyde might violently object to Fez's perfectly rational desire to see the action, he had no problems showing his physical affection for Jackie in public. Or, if not in public, at least on the apartment sofa. Fez's dates had already benefited from the tactics he had picked up watching a Jackie and Hyde make-out session. Hyde was a great kisser.

However, none of that changed the fact that Fez was operating on eight months of sleep deprivation and a near constant state of neediness. Something had to change. Starting with the ache in his pajama pants.

* * *

"Mmm, I smell bacon!" The words were out of Fez's lips even before his eyes had popped open. He was out the door and to the small nook they made do with as a kitchen in less time than it would have taken to say it again.

"Bacon!" he nearly panted, as he found Hyde in the kitchen, flipping pancakes.

Hyde turned toward him, and his face became a portrait in disgust. "Damn it, Fez, put some pants on. What if Jackie had been out here?"

"Then she would have seen how glorious is Fez's manhood, and she would have dumped your white black ass."

"Put some pants on NOW."

"All right. But there had better still be bacon when I get back, or there will be hell to pay!"

As quickly as he could, Fez returned to his room and pulled on some pants. He had honestly forgotten about his discarded pajamas from the night before, but he couldn't see what the problem was. It must be Hyde's insecurity about his own manhood when faced with the magnificence that was Fez.

He heard the shower running on his way back, and he was torn between two of his most primal desires...see boob or eat bacon? But Hyde was still here, and he did not want to get his ass kicked. Although maybe Jackie boob was worth it...

"Fez! If you don't get your hand off that door in the next two seconds, I'm going to kick your ass, man."

Huh, how had that got there? Fez pulled his hand back as though burned and redirected his steps to the kitchen.

"Your breakfast is there." Hyde gestured to a plate on the coffee table, far removed from the two plates on the counter. "And wash your hands first, you sick bastard."

"Ah, Hyde, having you here, it is just like Miss Kitty has come to care for me," Fez said fondly.

Hyde frogged his arm. Much harder than Fez thought the burn deserved. "Aiee!" he yelped.

"That was for trying to see my girlfriend naked."

"But, Hyde, that is not fair. If you hit me every time I saw Jackie naked, I would be black and blue all over."

"What?"

Fez grinned a lecherous grin. "Jackie must shower everyday, but you are not here everyday."

"Are you saying," said Hyde, with an almost dangerous evenness in his tone, "that you sneak in on her everyday I'm not here?"

"Well, not always. She is Jackie, so sometimes she takes two showers a day. That's four boobs in a day! And who can resist four boobs in a day? Not Fez, I can tell you that."

"I'm so going to kick your ass, man." Hyde meant it this time. Fez could always tell when he meant it. Generally, by the fact that his hands were already reaching out to throttle him.

He would have gasped for mercy, but it happened too fast. One moment, he was bringing his first delectable bite of bacon to his mouth, the next he was flying over the coffee table, with his beautiful pile of food spilling all over the floor, and Hyde was choking him so hard Fez wasn't quite sure he was going to stop.

"Oh my God, Steven! What are you doing?"

Small hands reached down to cover and pull at the large ones around his throat. Suddenly, Fez could breathe again. Hyde was on his feet, staring down at Jackie, whose nymph-like form was wrapped only in a towel, wet hair cascading down over bare, creamy shoulders. Fez could stare at her forever.

Which apparently Hyde realized. "Stop looking at her, Fez! Jackie, go put some clothes on."

"Not until you tell me what's going on out here."

"Fez tried to walk in on you in the shower," Hyde accused.

Jackie rolled her eyes and scoffed, "Oh, is that all, Steven? It's not Fez's fault. He can't hear the shower running. It's happened before."

"Of course it's happened before, Jackie, because he can hear the shower fine. He just wants to see you naked."

"Fez, is that true?" Jackie looked shocked at the accusation.

Damn Hyde. Why did he have to take away a man's simple pleasures? "Yes, my goddess, I am afraid it is so. I am ashamed."

Jackie sighed. "Well, I suppose I forgive you, Fez. I know how my unparalleled beauty is too much for you to resist. Who could blame you, really?"

"I could," Hyde volunteered.

"Aww, Steven," Jackie murmured, cuddling up against her boyfriend. "Look at you being all overprotective. It's because you lov—"

"Zip it, Jackie. Go get dressed."

Jackie stood on her toes to plant a soft kiss on Hyde's cheek before she left the room. Hyde was still glowering at Fez, who couldn't help the smile that had stolen over his face.

"You walk in on her again, and you're dead, man," Hyde promised. Then he followed Jackie into her bedroom and shut the door firmly behind him.

Fez glanced over the sad remains of his breakfast, before his lustful gaze landed on the untouched plates at the counter. What a pity they should sit there getting cold. He grinned as he followed his saliva glands to the food; he would stop that travesty.

He was so engrossed in his food it was a moment before the strains of Hyde and Jackie's latest argument reached him. It sounded like a big one, too. As far as Fez knew, they hadn't actually had one of the awful fights that had characterized earlier incarnations of their relationship this time around. Sure, they bickered as much as usual, but they had both seemed secure and happy where they were. Apparently, that was all changing.

"...that you don't trust me! It's not like I like Fez!" Jackie yelled.

Fez's face fell. Sometimes he wished the walls in this place weren't so thin.

"It's not a matter of not trusting you, Jackie. It's just...he's always there! Every time I turn around, he's watching you, or me, or us."

What? So suddenly it was a crime to watch people? It was a little late to tell Fez that.

"That's just Fez. He doesn't mean anything by it, and it's not like we can avoid him. He lives here."

"And maybe that's the problem."

"You don't like Fez living here? Well, I can hardly kick him out, Steven. It's his apartment, too."

"You could move out."

Fez nearly jumped out of his chair. Hyde had reached new levels of evil with that one. It was bad enough he had taken Jackie off the market yet again, but to deprive Fez of the hardening daily sight of her? Never!

"And go where exactly? I can't afford a place of my own, and I can't live with Donna again. Her closet scares me, Steven. My own clothes felt sullied by their nearness to her lumberjack shirts."

"Well, we have to do something. Fez is one of my best friends, but if you stay living here, I don't see that lasting much longer. Because I'm gonna kill him."

"Not if I kill you first, you son of a bitch," Fez hissed. And to start his plan of revenge, he ate all the food Hyde had cooked. Even what had landed on the floor. That would certainly show him.

* * *

When Fez returned home after work that evening, he found Hyde and Jackie cuddled together on the couch, watching television. That was all they were doing. He found this doubly disheartening because it meant, one, their quarrel had been short-lived, and, two, he could not watch them kissing.

"Hey, Fez," said Jackie.

Hyde didn't say anything. This could mean he was still angry with Fez, or it could mean he was Hyde.

"Hello, my queen," he returned.

"You'd better be talking to Jackie," Hyde grunted.

Jackie slapped him lightly on the chest; he pulled her closer to him in retaliation, and she relaxed into his lap. She turned her attention back to the screen. "I don't understand. Does the pig actually talk?"

"Only when we're watching from the circle."

Fez moved to the sofa and sat at the far end, praying he was far enough away to run if things went badly. They were watching old reruns of _Green Acres_. Fez decided he would play nice and watch, too. But that elegant lady, her mean husband, and all that mud soon gave him other ideas...

_The old wreck of a farmhouse was surrounded by fences and fields and a giant mud hole. Jackie stepped into the fantasy, in draping, pure white fabric, like the divinity she was. Hyde was at her side, in overalls, a checked shirt, and a straw hat, with a stalk of wheat between his teeth._

_"This is it?" Jackie said, as she carefully picked up her skirt so it wouldn't trail in the mud. Her open-toed heels, however, were positively ruined. "This is vere you expect me to live?"_

_"Well, it has its downsides, but it's free from Fez, isn't it?"_

_"Not so fast, my cunning friend!" Fez rode into view on a white stallion._

_"Vat are you doing here, Fezzie?"_

_"I am here to carry you away from this foul place to the fairytale castle of your dreams. With me at your side, you will have all you desire."_

_"Oh Fez..." Jackie sighed. She took one step toward him._

_Hyde caught her elbow. "Jackie, wait! What about me?"_

_"Oh Steven..." She looked from one to the other, torn. Then she stepped back beside Hyde. "I'm sorry, Fez, but as long as I have Steven, I already have everything I vant."_

_"I want you so much," Hyde said, yanking her body to his._

_"I vant you more," she declared. They flew at each other in a flurry of arms and mouths and hands and ended up toppled over in the mud._

_"My goddess has been defiled by your mud," Fez announced, forgotten astride his steed, "so I say farewell to you both."_

_They paid no attention, continuing their frantic battle in the field. Despite himself, Fez watched the display. "Ooh, no, a little to the left. Damn it, I can't see anything! Here, let me join you." He jumped off his horse and landed in the midst of them, quite convinced the first thing he felt was Jackie's boob..._

SMACK!

A cruel blow to the side of Fez's face brought him back to reality. Surprisingly, it was Jackie's hand which had produced such a stinging sensation.

"Aiee! What was that for?"

"You were trying to feel me up!" Jackie yelled, glaring at him; then she shot a nervous glance at Hyde. "And if I didn't slap you, Steven was going to kill you. Your choice."

Fez focused on the live show he had somehow incorporated into his dream. He frowned. "I choose...mud pit."

"But Fez—"

"I said mud pit!" Fez showed them the hand and then walked away into the banishment of his bedroom. He had some needs to satiate.

* * *

Jackie, Donna and Fez were having one of their increasingly rare girls' nights in. Fez didn't appreciate the name, but as it involved him alone in a room with the two hottest ladies he knew, he didn't complain. Much.

"The thing I've finally figured out with Steven," confided Jackie as she braided Donna's hair—now that it was blonde, Jackie would finally consent to touch it—"is that if I give him a hint and enough time to convince himself it was his own idea, he'll do anything I ask, without me even having to badger him. It's great!"

"It's still manipulation," Donna pointed out.

Possibly in retaliation for which comment, Jackie gave her hair an extra yank. "You're just bitter because Eric still hasn't come home and Randy split town, so no one wants your freakishly large body."

"I do!" Fez piped up.

They both ignored him. "First of all, _everyone _wants my body. And second, I honestly don't want you to mess up your relationship with Hyde again. Mostly because you're happy with him, though that has an admitted side benefit of you complaining less to me. But I think if you try to push him into something too soon, you'll end up getting hurt again."

"I'm not pushing him into anything. I have learned patience, Donna, whatever you might think. But I know Steven's going to marry me one day, and I won't have to blackmail him into it, either. He'll marry me simply because he can't bear to be without me, and who could blame him for that?"

"I can, the son of a bitch," Fez muttered.

Donna turned toward him. "What's that, Fez?"

"Oh, ignore him," Jackie instructed. "And keep your head still. It's like trying to braid a horse's behind. Fez is mad at Steven because he's forbidden him to watch me shower."

"Is _that_ why you've started coming over to my house every morning?" Donna demanded.

"Yes, yes, it is. I'm sorry, Donna, but I must get my daily boobage somewhere."

"I don't know whether to be more insulted that you're trying to catch a peek or that I'm your second choice."

Fez rolled his eyes. "That's nonsense, Donna. Everyone knows you have the best boobs; Jackie was just closer. As they say, location, location, location."

"Hey!" Jackie protested. "My boobs might not be as outrageously large as gargantuan's over here, but they are perfectly shaped."

"That's true," Fez agreed. "They are two creamy, dreamy half-moons. And your ass is like one of Bottecelli's angels. I could stare at it all day." He sighed in remembrance.

"Okay, Jackie, I'm starting to be on Hyde's side here. Fez may be our friend, but he's a pervert, and you shouldn't be living with him. So if you want to—"

A knock at the door stopped her mid-sentence. Jackie went to answer it.

"Steven, what are you doing here?" She sounded torn between happiness to see her boyfriend and distress at being found in pajama bottoms, a tank-top, and makeup free, although she well knew that even in such a state she was more beautiful than most women on the planet, and definitely all of them in Point Place.

"Come with me," he announced and would have pulled her bodily from the apartment, if she hadn't freed her hand from his grasp.

"Why? Where are we going? I don't even have shoes on!"

Hyde relented. "Put some shoes on, and _then_ come with me."

"But, Jackie, it is girls' night!" Fez protested.

Jackie was already slipping into her room, but Hyde looked at Fez with disgust behind his dark glasses. Then it fell away into a self-confident smirk. "That's all right. You _girls_ can come."

"Ooh, a field trip," said Donna, with mock-enthusiasm. "As long as it's not to the sausage factory, I'm game."

Fez snickered. "Hyde doesn't need to leave the apartment to take Jackie to the sausage factory."

"I'd be offended, if you weren't so very sad," Donna said, with a pitying shake of her head.

Hyde had ceased to pay them any attention. "Come on, Jackie," he said impatiently, pounding his fist against her closed bedroom door. "I know you're changing and putting on makeup and whatever the hell else you do, but stop it. I don't want to—"

The door opened while he was still complaining, and Jackie stood there, radiantly beautiful in a bubbly pink dress, hair falling free over her shoulders, makeup present but not conspicuous.

"How did you do that so fast?" Donna said in awe.

"Oh, I'm so naturally beautiful it doesn't take me long to achieve this effect. You could never do it, Donna," she said breezily.

"You realize I'll never believe you anymore when you say you need ten more minutes to get ready," Hyde teased, but there was open admiration in his eyes. So much so that Fez began to wonder if they would be going anywhere after all.

"So where's my present?" Jackie asked.

"Who said you were getting a present?"

She pouted. "Aren't I?"

"Uh...sort of. Now, come on." He grabbed her hand and pulled her from the room; Donna and Fez followed more warily.

Within minutes, they were cruising along the streets of Point Place in the El Camino. There weren't many places to go in their small town, and they found themselves in a residential area not far from Grooves. Hyde pulled to a stop in front of a large apartment complex, considerably newer and more expensive than Fez and Jackie's.

Fez saw what was coming. He had foreseen it days ago. Hyde was going to take Jackie away from him completely. The world was unfair. Especially to brown-skinned foreign kids. He trudged slowly along after the rest, as Hyde led them to a third floor apartment.

As if to confirm every thought in Fez's head, Hyde pulled out a key and unlocked the door himself. Jackie was smiling and nearly bouncing up and down, as though she had foreseen it, too. Donna looked mildly surprised.

"Steven! You found me an apartment! Ooh, it's so lovely! Look at this view!" Jackie rushed over to the window and looked out at the frozen lake. "Look at this space!" She did a little twirl around the large living room. Her pink skirt flailed around her, and Fez thought he saw a glimpse of matching pink panties. Ah, how he would miss her panties.

She stopped suddenly, a frown marring the perfection of her face. "But, Steven, I can't afford this."

"You don't have to. I'm paying for it."

"Doesn't that kind of make her a whore?" Donna said.

Fez silently applauded her. _Yes, Donna_, he thought, _convince my lovely not to leave me_.

"Uh, not if I live here, too," Hyde said under his breath, as if half-hoping they wouldn't hear him.

"Live together?" she squealed. "Oh, Steven!" Jackie's face reflected the glow of a supremely happy woman as she flew into Hyde's arms.

"You're going to _live in sin_?" Fez broke into their moment in a horrified whisper. "What will Miss Kitty say? Shame on you!"

Jackie pulled away from her lover slightly. "But Fez—"

"I said shame!"

She bit her lip as if caught in indecision. Fez knew that Jackie had always considered marriage to come before living together, and he intended to play on that. It was his last hope.

"It is wrong, isn't it?" she said after a long pause. "It's so very, very _wrong_." There was a loaded meaning in her voice and in her eyes as they sought Hyde's.

And they were off, kissing and pawing at each other like there was no tomorrow.

"Okay, first of all, eww," said Donna. "And, secondly, did I miss something here?"

"Just my life going down the toilet," whined Fez.

Their words must have reached Jackie and Hyde, because they reluctantly broke apart and turned to them.

"Look, Fez, I know we've had our problems lately, but you're still my little buddy," Hyde told him. "I don't want you looking at Jackie, but I don't mind your perviness as long as it's directed elsewhere, and that's why I've already found you another roommate."

Fez got a warm feeling in his heart, but he was wary. What if this was one of Hyde's tricks? "Who is it?"

"A friend of the Formans. She showed up the other day, looking for a place to stay, and I know Mrs. Forman would really like to get rid of her."

"Why? Is she old? Oh, who am I kidding? I do not care if she is old! Fez loves the December roses just as much as the buds of May. You are a true friend, Hyde!" He threw his arms around the other man.

Hyde promptly shoved him away. "Do that again, and I'll kick your ass, man."

* * *

The day after Jackie moved out the last of her stuff, Fez scoured the apartment from top to bottom. He was determined to make an excellent impression on his new roommate, and if she was of the older set, tidiness would be likely to impress her. It was so nice of Hyde to provide him with new boobs, since he was taking his old ones away.

The buzz of the doorbell announced her arrival. Fez hurried to get it, but whoever was on the other side was obviously as impatient to meet him as he was to meet her, because she wouldn't let up on the doorbell.

He threw the door open. A shapely blonde was on the other side, and the doorbell kept ringing because she had her back pressed up against it while she Frenched some tall, athletic-looking guy.

"Excuse me!" Fez demanded. Hyde was cruel not to have told him she had a boyfriend.

The blonde broke away from Mr. Jock and turned around. "Hey, Fez. I'm laying down a few ground rules right now. You aren't to speak to me, look at me, or interfere when I have friends over. Oh, and if I find a peephole into my room, I'm gauging out your eyes with a pair of tweezers." She smiled poisonously. "So, hi, roomie."

Fez felt like weeping. Only a burn-master as truly evil as Steven Hyde could have possibly given him Laurie Forman for a roommate.


	5. Red Forman, Matchmaker

**Disclaimer: **Borrowing, with no intent to harm.

**Spoilers: **Early season eight, AU after that

**Author's Notes: **Yes, it's true. After almost two years, I finally have a new chapter. I admit I got hugely depressed once the ending of That 70s Show became clear and lost my muse for them completely, but the other day I caught some early reruns and remembered my love for the show and these characters, and so I finally managed to sit down and finish this chapter. I'm hoping this productivity will eventually lead me to finish this whole story (in my head, there are three chapters left). But I make no promises. In the meantime, I know this can't possibly be worth the wait, but I hope you all enjoy it all the same.

**Outside Looking In**

_**V. Red Forman, Matchmaker**_

Red sighed the sigh of a contented man as he sank back into his old green chair and popped open his beer can. There was no greater joy in the world than coming home to a quiet, _empty_ house after a full day's hard work.

Since Steven—the last of the brood to get his ass out of Red's house—had moved into his own place a year ago, Red had known days at a time of pure, lovely solitude, with only Kitty for company. Just the way he liked it. Of course, those blasted kids still insisted on coming over. Red kept telling Kitty if she stopped feeding them, they would disappear fast enough, but, for some odd reason, that only encouraged her to always have a chocolate cake or a stash of cookies on hand.

Women.

Red shook his head at such folly, before dismissing it from his mind. He turned on the television; there was probably a game on one of these cable channels—if there wasn't, why the hell was he paying for them?—and it would be the third perfect component to what was shaping up to be an intruder-free evening.

He should have known it was too good to last. No sooner had he found himself a Packers game than the door from the kitchen swung open and in sailed the Burkhart girl.

"Hi, Mr. Forman," she too-cheerily greeted him, taking a seat on the sofa.

Red rolled his eyes and suppressed a groan. "What do you want?"

"Well, one of the nurses called in sick at the hospital, and Mrs. Forman volunteered to take her shift, and she was worried you wouldn't have anything to eat or anyone to keep you company, so she called me!" Jackie bounced excitedly in her seat. "And I didn't have anything better to do, so here I am!"

Dumbfounded, Red simply stared at her for a moment. Had Kitty lost what little was left of her mind? Had she been exposed to chemically altering drugs at the hospital? What could ever have possessed her to think Red would prefer an evening with Steven's perky little girlfriend than alone with the game?

"Well, go home," he finally sputtered.

"I knew you'd say that!" she returned, showing no signs of leaving. "But I can't break my promise to Mrs. Forman. Besides, you just don't get to spend enough time with me, now that Steven and I live across town. You must miss me a lot."

"No, I don't. Go home."

"Oh, you're as grouchy as Steven on a bad day, but I always manage to cheer him up, and I'll do the same for you, wait and see. It's impossible not to be happy around me."

"And yet, here I sit." Red sent her his most intimidating, straight-faced glare—the one that made Eric pee his pants when he was twelve—but the girl remained staunchly oblivious.

"That's because you haven't eaten yet. Mrs. Forman said she had a meatloaf in the freezer, but there's no way I'm touching dead, ground-up cow parts, so I think I'll make spaghetti."

While Red tried his hardest not to know anything about the dozen or so kids who thought this was their house, some things were so well known even he couldn't avoid them. And one of them came to mind as soon as Jackie started talking about food. "You can't cook. How many times did Kitty try to teach you? You just can't cook."

Jackie's smile, if possible, broadened. "I can now. Some things, at least. Steven's teaching me. It's less gross when he makes it so sexy."

He groaned. "I don't want to know that. Why do you tell people things like that? It's...it's indecent, is what it is."

"Then you definitely don't want to know what Mrs. Forman told me about last Tuesday in the muffler shop." With a giggle, Jackie went back into the kitchen.

Red would have liked to pretend that she had left entirely, but there was too much noise, rattling of pots and pans and whatever the hell else she was doing in there—he wouldn't be unduly surprised if the fire department was called in before the night was out. Instead, he did his best to drown her out by turning up the volume on the television and paying twice as much attention to the game as he normally would to one where the Packers were getting thrashed.

But once the smells of fresh tomatoes and roasted garlic started drifting to his chair, Red couldn't deny the rumble in his stomach. He was hungry, and, against all odds, the food smelled delicious.

The first half was nearly over—with a score Red couldn't bear to look at—when Jackie reappeared at the kitchen door. "Dinner's on the table, Mr. Forman."

He shot up from his chair, but when he saw Jackie's amused look, he immediately slowed his pace. "Uh, lousy game," he clarified.

Her nose crinkled, and she nodded vigorously. "I know it is. I'm so glad Steven doesn't like football that much. I remember when I used to be a cheerleader, the only bad thing about it was having to pretend to care about the game, when it was really about having people see how pretty I am."

"Oh, for Pete's sake," Red muttered as he brushed past her and into the kitchen. He could have clarified what he had meant by "lousy game," but the last thing he wanted was to encourage the annoying chatterbox to _more_ conversation.

The table was set with plates of spaghetti, so hot the steam still rose off them, a fresh-tossed salad, and a loaf of garlic bread. It looked like something out of a cooking magazine, not that Red would give Jackie that kind of praise.

The idea was to get rid of her as soon as possible.

"Well, this sure was nice of you," he said instead. "Now, I imagine you'll need to be running on home to make something for Hyde, huh?" There was more hope than belief in his voice.

"You don't need to worry about that, Mr. Forman. I called Steven and told him to come over here after work, and I made enough for all of us. So you and I can have a nice little chat." She took a seat at the table and sent him the kind of smile that would have had him drooling at her feet thirty years ago—and even now, it brought his reluctant steps to the table.

"I don't 'chat.'" Without more preambles, Red dug in to the food before him.

"That's okay. I don't listen."

"How is it?"

Red grunted. "Not bad."

The girl beamed as though he'd spouted sonnets of praise. "Thanks, Mr. Forman. You know, I used to think I'd be like my mother—sitting around, getting unnaturally bronze, and ordering other people to exist for me. But now, well, that would still be pretty perfect, but I think I'd get bored of it after awhile, you know? So it's good that Steven hasn't inherited all his father's money yet. I can play at being poor—like you and Mrs. Forman!"

All of Red's temporary goodwill toward Jackie evaporated over that little speech. "We're not—"

"I used to think I would never work, too, but I love my job! Have you seen me yet? Don't I look even more beautiful on T.V.?"

Red vaguely recalled hearing Kitty talk about how Jackie was a weekend anchor on some morning news show out of Kenosha. He certainly hadn't given up sleeping in—or other morning activities—just to see some brat he couldn't get rid of in person.

Fortunately, Jackie didn't require an answer. "Steven says I do. Do you know he always has brunch waiting for me when I get home? So I try to have dinners for him during the week—he's working such long hours lately. Isn't it great?"

_Spoken by someone who works eight hours a week,_ Red thought. Then he thought if Jackie was the one waiting at home for him every night, he'd work twenty hour days too. But it seemed an odd statement to hear from someone as supposedly in love as Jackie was. "What's so great about it?"

Jackie blinked. "He's being such a grown-up!" She said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

He supposed that was the Jackie-speak equivalent of the changes Red himself had been noticing in Steven lately. Steven Hyde had always been his favorite of Eric's group of friends—the other lunkheads didn't bear thinking of, but Steven had always reminded Red a little of himself when he was younger.

Though he was still a dumbass.

But lately, those qualities he had found most irritating in Hyde—his laziness, his apathy, his juvenile stunts—had been almost non-existent. He got his own apartment, he worked full-time at his own record store—which was doing very well—he kept out of trouble. Red had attributed a lot of this to Kelso's move to Chicago and Eric's year in Africa. Which had turned into two years in Africa, and now a year at a teacher's college in Spain, but Red didn't like to think about that.

Much against his will, Red was suddenly forced to contemplate the idea that the annoying, loudmouth Jackie Burkhart might have something to do with Steven's gradual transformation, that she might become a _permanent_ fixture in their lives.

"Ah crap," he muttered.

Jackie, who had kept on rambling, despite having lost her audience, frowned at the interruption. "Is something wrong?"

"No, I just…just forgot my beer in the other room; I'll go get it."

"Don't worry about it, Mr. Forman. I'll get you a cold, fresh one," Jackie volunteered. She jumped up and ran to the fridge, returning almost instantaneously with the promised beer. She beamed at him, as though waiting on him was giving her deep joy. "Here you go."

He studied her suspiciously; such unselfishness was unheard of coming from Jackie. "Say, what are you playing at?"

Her lovely smile collapsed. "What do you mean?"

"You're not ever this nice for no reason. What do you want?"

Jackie sank into her chair with a sad little pout. "Nothing, Mr. Forman. Honestly. Mrs. Forman asked me to do this, and I thought it would be fun. A way to show how much I appreciate all you've done for me and Steven over the years. I know I can be a little self-centered sometimes."

Red grunted his reaction to that understatement.

"But you and Mrs. Forman have been like second parents to me – and more than that to Steven. I just – I just love you, is all."

And then the bizarre child had the gall to throw her arms around him and hug him tight.

"Ah crap," he said again, before awkwardly patting her back in an attempt to make her let go.

He was grateful to hear the sliding of the glass door that indicated someone else's arrival, though he was less thrilled when the sound that immediately followed was Steven's amused chuckle.

"Trying to steal my girl, Red?"

Red glared at him and was about to insist that he pry his teary girlfriend off him when Jackie let go of her own accord to rush at Hyde.

"Steven!" she squealed, inflicting her hugging tendencies on her next unfortunate victim.

But Steven didn't seem to mind her effusiveness. He wrapped his arms around her small waist and lifted her a few inches off the ground. Red could almost swear he saw a smile cross Hyde's face before he buried his head in her hair.

"Hey, Doll. Miss me?"

"Always."

"Would you two mind? Some of us are eating here."

They broke apart, but Hyde didn't even look chagrined as he went to fix himself a plate of what was, Red had to grudgingly admit, damn good spaghetti.

* * *

Steven and Jackie had stayed to watch the rest of the game with him, but they thankfully kept the cute to a minimum. Actually, only Hyde had watched the game; Jackie sat next to him on the couch, her legs draped carelessly over his lap, while she read from one of her girly magazines.

But it kept her quiet, so Red didn't have a word to say against it.

The Packers made a comeback in the second half, which meant Red could go to bed a happy man. Smiling, he laid his head back on his pillows, his belly comfortably full.

He was almost asleep when Kitty walked in and flicked on the light. "So how was your evening?"

Scarlet circles swimming before his eyes from the unexpected brightness, Red glared at his wife. "Fine. Until now!"

Kitty bristled immediately. "Well, I'm sorry, Red Forman, if, after sixteen hours of caring for the sick, injured and dying, your wife would like a few minutes of your care and attention!"

The guilt only Kitty could ignite in him rumbled to life. "I'm sorry, Kitty." He held out his arms to her. "Was your day that bad?"

"Oh no," she said cheerily as she sat down beside him. "Betty Lou brought cupcakes." She giggled; the same girlish sound he had fallen in love with over thirty years ago. "But you didn't answer my question: how was your evening? Any special visitors?"

Kitty did not comprehend subtlety.

"The Burkhart girl came over like you ordered her to; don't do that anymore, Kitty."

"Is her cooking still that bad? Honestly, how hard is it to put a meatloaf in the oven?"

"The food was fine." Great, even, not that he had any intention of telling his wife; he was not that stupid. "But the talking! And the hugging!" He felt uncomfortable again even thinking of it.

"She touched you voluntarily? Isn't that sweet?"

"It's not sweet. It's weird. Said she loved me too. What kind of freak does something like that?"

Kitty smiled like she knew a secret. "Well, I like her. She takes some getting used to, but I think she's been very good for our Steven."

Red had no argument to the contrary; he found it a little frightening to see Hyde so openly affectionate, but the facts spoke for themselves. Steven Hyde was a better man than his disillusioned youth indicated he would be, and Jackie had something to do with that.

He wrapped an arm around Kitty's shoulders and agreed with her the only way he knew how. "Same as you are for me."

He knew he'd said the right thing when he got an, "Aww, Red," and a lingering kiss for his trouble. But before he'd had a chance to revel in his success, she pulled back and said, "I'm so glad you agree with me, because this situation absolutely cannot go on."

"Huh? What can't?"

"Steven and Jackie! Living in sin the way they are. They're old enough now that they should stop playing house and make it official. They need to get married, and you, Red Forman, are just the man to make sure it happens."

* * *

Red did everything he knew how to dissuade Kitty from her insane idea over the next few weeks. He argued and yelled and mumbled and sulked, but still she would not budge. Someone had to speak to Steven, and, in her disturbed logic, that someone had to be him.

Still, he held firm to his principles of non-interference. Kitty might think Hyde and his girlfriend were ready for marriage, and he might even secretly agree with her on that, but it was not their place to meddle.

Then, Kitty brought out the deadliest weapons in her arsenal. Withholding food and withholding…something else.

Red lived on a diet of Pop-Tarts and cheese sandwiches for another week before he cracked. On the eighth day of Kitty's siege tactics, he stared down at his dismal meal and declared his surrender.

"Invite Steven and Jackie over for dinner tomorrow." He stomped out of the kitchen, turning to point his finger accusingly at his grinning wife and demanding, "There had damn well better be steak!"

* * *

There was steak. And mashed potatoes and corn on the cob and homemade rolls. Red could smell it all as soon as he got home from work. He followed his saliva glands into the kitchen and found Kitty humming happily as she prepared the feast.

"Kitty, you're beautiful."

She turned around, shocked at the unsought compliment, then laughed when she realized it was brought on by hunger. "Why, yes I am, Red. But you might want to hold that thought until after you've talked to Steven – we're not eating until you do."

He muttered a foul word under his breath. "What am I supposed to say, Kitty? 'Hey, Steven, about time you married that girl, don't you think? Pass the rolls.'"

"Don't be silly. Invite him out to the garage. Do man-things. And while you talk, you can bring the subject around. Casually."

"Kitty, men don't talk when they do 'man-things.' It would be, 'Hey, Steven, about time you married that girl, don't you think? Pass the socket-wrench.'"

"Well, you'd better think of something better than that, Red." Kitty waved out the back door. "They're here."

"Ah crap."

Jackie rushed in, all smiles as usual, with flowers for Kitty and a bottle of wine for him, and it was moments like these when Red remembered he actually liked the bubbly brunette. Steven followed at his more laidback pace, but he seemed just as relaxed, as free from suspicion of the horrors to come as his girlfriend.

"These are lovely, Jackie. Thank you. Why don't you help me find something to put them in, honey? Red—" Kitty elbowed him hard in the side, while keeping that welcoming smile on her face "—didn't you have something you needed to show Steven in the garage?"

"Steven," Red said through gritted teeth, "I could use your help in the garage."

"Sure thing, Red." Hyde looked bemused but not wary as he followed Red back outside.

At a loss for anything else to do, Red popped the hood of the Toyota. "Er, pass me that socket wrench, would you, Steven."

"Car giving you trouble?" Steven asked as he complied.

"Well, you know how they are," Red said vaguely, his answer not even making sense to himself. He continued to pretend to work on the car as he mentally flailed for words. "It means a lot to Kitty, you know, you sticking around here."

Steven just grunted. Without being asked, he grabbed a flashlight to shine light under the hood. It reminded Red of the long ago day when he taught the Burkhart girl to fix cars, and suddenly this whole thing seemed a lot easier.

"Jackie's a great girl," he said and surprised himself by meaning it. "Kitty loves her. She's been good for you, she knows more about cars than Eric, and she makes damn fine spaghetti."

"What are you getting at, Red?" Suspicion had finally infiltrated Hyde's voice.

"Well," Red said slowly, and then it all tumbled out, just as he feared it would, "about time you married that girl, don't you think? Pass the oil can."

Hyde didn't pass the oil can. "Damn it. I'm sorry for this, Red." He turned on his heel and marched back into the house.

Confused, Red watched him for a moment before remembering all the food inside and hurrying after him. Hyde didn't stop at the food; he strode straight into the living room where Kitty and Jackie were laughing together over pre-dinner drinks and yanked his girlfriend to her feet.

"What the hell did you think you were doing? I thought we were finally past all this crap, Jackie! Now you're dragging the Formans into it? Grow up."

Jackie pulled her arm free. "Why are you so mad at me? I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"The hell you don't! You think I would believe that Red, of all people, would lecture me about _marrying _you, if you didn't put him up to it?"

Kitty rose from the sofa, looking shame-faced. "Steven, I—"

"Mrs. Forman, I'm sorry, but stay out of this, please." Hyde's eyes didn't waver from Jackie's face, now growing equally livid.

"That's what this is about? Mr. Forman talked to you about marriage, and so now you're having one of your typical, juvenile freak-outs. And you're telling _me_ to grow up? I can't believe this! Just when I've been thinking how great we've been doing, how committed you've been, and how we might actually be able to make it this time, and now, this. Fine, Steven! Go ahead, and be a freaking baby, if you want to. I'm tired of being the only adult in this relationship!" She whirled to make her dramatic exit, but once again Hyde caught hold of her arm.

"It's not about marriage, Jackie. Why the hell do you think I've been killing myself with all those hours at the store? So I could get you this damn thing—" He pulled a small object from his pocket and threw it down on the coffee table; once there, the sparkle identified it as a large diamond ring. "What this is about is you manipulating the situation _again_ to get what you want. You can never just trust me, never have any freaking patience, you just—"

"STEVEN!" Kitty yelled, stopping him mid-rant. He blinked stupidly at her. "_I _am the one who told Red to talk to you tonight. Jackie had nothing to do with it."

Hyde shook himself, as if recovering from a blow. He looked from Kitty to Jackie, who had ceased listening the moment the ring appeared. Her eyes were fastened to it; her face displaying no emotion but shock. He turned to look behind him at Red for confirmation.

"You're such a dumbass," Red said with a shake of his head.

Hyde cleared his throat and turned back to Jackie. She finally lifted her gaze from the ring, and her tear-filled eyes fastened onto her boyfriend's face. "Jackie, I…I—I'm sor—"

She shook her head vehemently, silencing his apology before it began. "Steven, I don't care about that right now. I care about that." She pointed to the ring like it was an unexploded bomb on the table. "_What_ is _that_?"

"You know what that is."

Her head shook again, slowly this time, in blatant disbelief. Her voice shook when she spoke. "I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is until you actually say it. It's not real unless you say it."

Red felt like an intruder on this moment. He jerked his head at Kitty, trying to point out that this was their cue to leave. But Kitty didn't even notice. She had her hands clasped beneath her chin and was openly, though quietly, crying. Red couldn't pull his wife from the room without causing a bigger scene, so he was forced to shuffle on his feet and direct his gaze to the wallpaper.

Only it was harder than he expected to keep his eyes away from the couple in front of him.

Hyde seemed to be almost as uncomfortable as Red himself. He cleared his throat a couple of times, took his shades off, put them on again, then yanked them off and threw them on the table.

More patient and quiet than Red had ever seen her, Jackie stood still. She barely seemed to breathe as she waited.

"Damn it, Jackie. Marry me, okay?"

It was the cue she had been waiting for. With an ear-piercing squeal, Jackie launched herself into Hyde's arms, dropping kisses all over his face. Amongst many a mumbled "yes" and "I love you," the ring was reclaimed from the table and placed on her tiny finger.

Red used the distraction to circle the room to Kitty and lead her back to the kitchen—not without a small struggle.

"Oh Red!" she exclaimed as soon as the door swung shut behind them. "I knew you could do it!"

His mouth opened to protest his innocence in the whole matter, but his nose reminded him of the prize to be achieved. "Sure did, honey. Now how 'bout that steak?"


	6. Eric's Vows

**Disclaimer: **Not mine. I just like to steal stuff. Especially fictional characters.

**Spoilers: **Through early season eight. AU after that.

**Author's Notes: **So a few times over the course of this fic, I've been asked where Eric is or why I keep him away or if I just really, really hate him. I never answered those questions, because the truth is I love Eric, but I had this whole fic outlined, and this chapter was especially for bringing him home. The problem I found, however, when I came to writing this was that, while this story is meant to be about Jackie/Hyde moments as seen through other characters' eyes, I couldn't envision Eric making Jackie & Hyde the center of his world, even for a brief space of time. So, while I always intended the Eric/Donna dynamic to have a role in this chapter, they ended up kind of taking it over. The Jackie/Hyde moments are still in here, of course, but I'd say it's pretty equally divided. Which is maybe why it's twice as long as any of the other chapters. The next one should be shorter.

Oh, and I'm sorry about the really long author's notes. I'll try to stop doing that, too.

**Outside Looking In**

_**VI. Eric's Vows**_

Point Place had changed very little in the three and a half years since Eric Forman had left it behind without a second glance. A few businesses had come and gone, half a dozen new houses had been built, but it was still the steady, dull town it had been for the vast majority of his life.

He purposely hadn't told anyone what bus he was coming in on; he wanted to walk home, give himself a chance to soak in the town. He passed the landmarks of his adolescence—the Hub, the Foto Hut, Fatso Burger—with a nostalgic smile.

It was good to be home. Where nothing ever changed.

He felt the grin stretching his face as he turned the corner that brought him in view of the only house that had ever been home to him. It looked exactly the same, from the flaking white coat of paint that had seen too many Wisconsin summers, to the wind chimes his mother insisted rang when an angel was near.

Eric paused a moment on the doorstep, anticipating the moment he stepped inside. His mother would shower him with kisses, hugs, and food. Red would pretend to be all gruff and uncaring, but underneath, Eric would be able to see how happy he was to have his son back home. And the gang – the guys, at least – would probably all be gathered around the basement, hiding from Jackie's no doubt insane wedding plans.

Jackie and Hyde getting married. He had gotten Hyde's drunken phone call asking him to be his best man months ago, but it all still seemed a little unreal. Eric couldn't make himself believe that anti-government, anti-institutionalism, anti-_everything _Steven Hyde would be the first of their gang to get married for real.

Against his will, Eric felt his gaze drawn across the hedge to the house next door. Four years ago, it had been him on the way to the altar, at the brink of having everything he had ever wanted. And he had walked—no, face it, he _ran—_away from all of it.

Red was right. He was a dumbass.

Pushing aside the bittersweet memories, Eric opened the unlocked front door and found a room full of…pink. Ribbons and bows, tables of presents, giggly girls and frothy pink drinks. The laughter slowly died as, one by one, the women turned their eyes on him.

"Who are you?"

"Well, he certainly can't be a stripper. He's too scrawny."

"Speak for yourself. Take it off, hot stuff," one especially inebriated woman slurred, which prompted a repeated round of giggles.

"Er…I'm sorry," Eric began, edging away towards the door. "I think I'm in the wrong…universe."

He was about to slip out of the house, count to ten and hope this was all one bad Barbie's House of Dreams nightmare when the door to the kitchen swung open, and two more women stumbled through. Red hair stood out like a beacon amongst the disgusting sea of pink.

"Donna." His voice hadn't cracked like that since he was fifteen.

Donna froze, still halfway between the rooms, and stared at him. The girl at her side didn't halt for a moment, though.

"Eric! It's about time you got here. You were almost too late for the final tux fitting." Jackie took him by the arm and was steering him out through the kitchen—he wanted to say something to Donna, but she flung herself out of Jackie's war path, and he couldn't free himself from the evil midget's surprisingly strong grip. "I'm pretty sure your tux will fit—I told them it wasn't like you were going to put on any muscle while you were gone, and looks like I was right—but better safe than sorry."

Inches from the back door, Jackie pulled him to an abrupt halt. She gave him one of her devil stares. "_Nothing _is going wrong at my wedding, got that?"

"Well, yeah, but—"

"Good." The glare broke into a radiant smile. "I'm so glad you're back, Eric."

"Gee, thanks, Jackie, but—"

"I'm holding you personally responsible for keeping those two idiots from hiring strippers for Steven tonight. There will be _no strippers_. None. At all. Or I will blame _you_, Eric Forman. And don't let any of your pansy-ass, cold feet, runaway vibes rub off on Steven, either, or there _will _be consequences."

"I'm not—"

"Mr. Forman's waiting for you in the garage, and make sure he tries on his tux, too!" Her orders given, Jackie shoved him out the back door, then turned back to her party with a flick of her shiny black hair.

"Scary, isn't she?"

Eric had never been so happy to hear his father's voice. "I saw a movie like this once – we'll need holy water, two priests, and Ellen Burstyn."

Red rolled his eyes skyward. "Come on, dumbass. Your friends will be waiting for us."

That was it. Eric's grand welcome. He couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.

"Hey, Eric."

"Yeah, Dad?"

Red tossed him something small and shiny. "We'll take the Cruiser."

Eric grinned down at the keys in his hand. It was good to be home.

* * *

Bells jingled above the door as Eric and Red made their way into Point Place's best tailor shop—though that wasn't saying much, as the town only had three.

"Ah, you must be the father and brother of the bride, yes?" an officious little man asked as he hurried to them.

"Does he look like Satan? Am I the spawn of pure evil?"

The little tailor frowned and turned towards the three men coming through the curtains from the back room. "This is your best man, is it not, Mr. Hyde?"

"It's a sad commentary on our times, but yeah, he is." Hyde smirked at Eric, crossing the room to pull him into an awkward non-hug. A couple slaps on the back, and they both stepped away, pretending they hadn't spent years missing each other.

"And yet you allow him to speak that way of your fiancée?"

"Can't kick his ass for telling the truth, man. You think I'd be marrying Jackie if she _wasn't _evil?"

As all of Eric's friends started to snicker, the tailor threw his hands up in defeat. "I will go find these gentlemen their attire." He disappeared behind the mysterious curtain.

"ERIC!" Fez yelled as soon as he was gone, launching himself at Eric. He wrapped his hands around Eric's waist and snuggled in tight to his side. Fez sighed happily, then looked up at him, eyes wide and childlike. "Did you bring me candy?"

"Would I forget about you, Fez? It's out in my bag in the car."

"CANDY!" Fez shouted with perhaps more enthusiasm than he had just screamed for Eric and ran for the door.

Hyde stopped him with a hand on the collar of his tux. "Take the suit off first, man. Jackie'd kill you if you got chocolate on it."

"Ai! You are right. Thank you, Hyde, for looking out for me."

Kelso snickered. "Yeah, thank you, Hyde, for being totally pussy whipped."

Hyde frogged him on the arm. Hard.

"Hey, Chachi! Put your clothes back on," Red growled at Fez, who had taken Hyde's words as justification to strip in front of all of them. "No one wants to see that."

"But…but _candy_," Fez whimpered.

"Go put on your clothes in the dressing room, and _then _get your candy, Fez," Eric instructed.

Fez's eyes darted from one friend to another, then to the door. "I said candy!" he announced, running out the front door in his underwear.

The three remaining friends laughed, while Red shook his head in disgust.

"Good to see nothing's really changed around here."

"Well, unless you count Hyde being a pussy whipped girly-man as a change."

"And I don't." Eric grinned as Hyde grabbed Kelso and started wrestling him to the ground. Even with the penguin suits, even with Hyde getting married, it felt like no time had passed since he was last with the gang.

"Ow! My eye!"

No time at all.

* * *

"Guys, no, no. We can't."

"_Jeez_, Eric, I knew foreign places were bad, but if they made you not want to look at naked ladies, they're worse than I thought!"

"Hey, I like naked ladies, all right. Naked ladies are good, I love naked ladies. Especially mostly naked ladies dancing around a pole." Eric lost himself in a dreamy haze for a moment, but the memory of Jackie's face glaring up at him brought him back to reality. "But you're not the ones who have been threatened bodily harm if he," he jerked his thumb towards the silent, disinterested Hyde sitting next to him, "is anywhere near a stripper tonight. And I like all my parts right where they are."

From the driver's seat, Kelso started laughing. "Should have thought of that before you let Red take home the Cruiser. My wheels, my rules, man. Naked ladies, here we come!"

Eric sat back and festered. "Letting" Red take the Vista Cruiser home didn't come into it. His dad had flat out demanded the keys after his fitting, saying he had no desire to go see "you dumbasses get drunk and even stupider than you already are."

"Don't worry about it, Forman."

Eric turned his glare onto Hyde, who still looked disturbingly unbothered by the whole thing. "That's easy for you to say. She loves you, man; if she forgave you _marrying _a stripper, I'm pretty sure she'll forgive you watching one. But she has no vested interest in me remaining on this planet."

"Sure she does. You're my best man. Why else do you think you've been spared the ass-kicking you deserve for ditching Donna? Jackie doesn't want you looking bad in the wedding pictures."

_Donna_. Eric felt like he'd been waiting for someone to bring up her name for hours. "Er, how is Donna, by the way?"

Hyde watched him, but behind those thick glasses, it was impossible to tell what he was thinking. "She's good, man. Going to school in Madison, but your mom probably told you that."

Eric nodded. His mom had kept him informed of the big developments in Donna's life. He had just been hoping to get a more insider's view from Hyde, who had always been one of Donna's closest friends. But it was obvious Hyde didn't want to talk about Donna, and Eric wasn't going to push it. He really didn't want his ass kicked.

"I love bachelor parties!" Fex exclaimed, as they pulled to a stop in front of a sign proclaiming _GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!_ "I wish you got married everyday, Hyde."

Kelso snorted, as they all piled out of his car. "I don't think we'll see Hyde get married ever. Ten bucks says he pulls an Eric and splits."

"Hey!" Eric protested.

"I will take that bet," Fez said happily. "Hyde will not run away. But if he does, then Fez will step in and marry Jackie, because she will never call off this wedding. And that is a win-win situation for me!"

"I'll get the first round," was Hyde's only comment, heading to the bar while Kelso and Fez found a table as close to the stage as they could get.

Eric watched his friend walking away. Hyde didn't seem bothered by Kelso's accusations; he didn't _seem_ nervous, or likely to bolt. But it was Hyde, so who knew what was going on under the dark shades? Maybe, underneath it all, he was falling to pieces as much as Eric had been in the days approaching his wedding.

Deciding it was his duty as best friend and best man to find out, Eric followed Hyde to the bar. "Hey, Hyde, man, are those guys getting to you? I mean, are you having second thoughts about marrying Jackie?"

"Forman!" Hyde barked, turning around and handing a couple of beers to Eric. "Stop being such a girl. Come on; let's get Fez and Kelso wasted, so we can get out of here."

Getting Kelso and Fez drunk wasn't hard at all. They were enamored watching the strippers, and even Eric enjoyed the show. Hyde, meanwhile, made sure that Fez and Kelso's drinks kept coming and turned down the lap dance his friends tried to buy for him. Whenever Eric chanced a glance at him, Hyde was looking down at a napkin on the table in front of him, occasionally writing on it.

"What are you doing?"

Hyde's head snapped up. "None of your damn business," he snarled, then shoved the napkin and pen in a pocket. He glanced over at Kelso, whose head rested on his hands, as he stared open-mouthed and barely blinking at the sailor-themed stripper in front of him. Fez danced in his seat and called out, "Dance, naked lady, dance!" whenever the mood struck him.

Hyde just shook his head and grabbed Kelso's keys from his pocket; Kelso didn't even look away. Hyde turned back to Eric and jerked his head toward the entrance.

"What about them?" Eric asked, when they were far enough away to not be overheard.

Hyde smirked and walked over to one of the waitresses. Eric saw him gesture toward Kelso and Fez before handing her some money. He rejoined Eric by the door.

"What did you do?"

"Nothing. Just mentioned that my friend Fez there would look really good in that sailor outfit, if, at any time, he should render himself unconscious."

"Hyde! How could you, man? You know that's not his color."

* * *

"Admit it. You're scared of Jackie, too." Eric had more than a few beers in him at this point and was much less afraid of an ass-kicking now.

Hyde nursed his beer at the barstool next to him. "Nah, man. Just didn't want to be there."

"Wait a minute. You're saying that on one of the last nights you will _ever _have to gawk at naked women guilt-free, you'd rather sit here getting drunk with me and looking at Mel?"

The three-hundred-odd pound bartender glanced over at the mention of his name. Eric nodded sloppily in his direction. "What's up?"

"What can I say, man? Once you've lived with a stripper, the mystery's kind of gone, you know?"

Eric turned to study his friend again. Hyde was drinking a lot more now that they were in a run-down bar instead of a sleazy strip joint, but he had once again taken out the napkin and was twirling a pen absently between his fingers as he stared at it. Eric felt the stirrings of a deep thought somewhere in the midst of his alcohol-shrouded brain.

Hyde didn't want to hurt Jackie. That's why he hadn't looked at the strippers, why he had left as soon as he could.

"Hyde, you love Jackie."

"Of course I do, dumbass. Why the hell else would I be marrying her?"

"Uh...for the cake?"

Hyde shook his head, wrote something on his napkin, then crossed it out.

"Seriously, man, what's with the napkin?"

"Nothing." Hyde crumpled up the, by now, torn and stained piece of paper inside his fist.

"It must be something, if it's more entertaining than naked boobies and Fez in a dress."

"It's stupid, man. It's just…Jackie had this dumb idea that we should write our own vows."

"You're writing your wedding vows on a cocktail napkin from a strip club?" Eric folded his hands together beneath his chin, and batted his eyes dreamily. "Hyde, you're so romantic."

"I'm not writing anything, because the whole thing is lame."

"Yeah, but, Hyde, you can't tell Jackie you won't do it the day before the wedding; she's probably had her own written for months. Donna would have _killed _me if I'd done something like that."

"Yeah, she appreciated it so much more when you ditched her the night before the wedding."

Eric pulled himself straight. "But at least I wrote my vows first!"

"Great then, you write mine."

"Huh? What? Oh noooo. No way. Me think of nice things to say to _Jackie_? I'd have an easier time trying out for the Packers."

Hyde shrugged, shoulders slumping forward. "Yeah, you're right. This whole thing sucks."

"So why didn't you tell her that when she asked you?"

"Because I used my last veto on the doves, man. If I'd known she still had this up her sleeve, she could have had the frickin' birds."

Eric started to laugh, but quickly stifled himself when Hyde glared at him. He reached over and patted Hyde's shoulder instead. "Sorry, man. What do you have so far?"

Hyde tightened his fist around the wrinkled napkin. "Nothing. I can't say the kind of crap she wants to hear."

"Yeah, I see your point." The image of Hyde spouting off a speech from one of Jackie's romance novels was enough to bring the laughter toward the surface again. "Guess there's only one thing to do."

"And that is?"

"You pack your bag, and I'll have the getaway car waiting at the door."

"I'm not running out on Jackie, Forman."

"Why not?" Eric was honestly curious. How was it that Hyde, who had run away from anything that required effort or honesty his entire life, was unafraid of the biggest commitment life had to offer?

"I ran away from Jackie before, man." Hyde grimaced, took a long draw off his beer. "I didn't like where I ended up."

Eric nodded, thinking of Hyde's stripper wife, of all the tidbits Kitty had passed on to him over her taped letters, of the one long ago where Hyde had gotten Jackie back.

And as he remembered, he knew Kelso was going to lose his bet.

* * *

Even with his head pounding from the beer he'd consumed the night before, Eric found himself surprisingly happy to just open his eyes the next morning. He soaked in the familiar sight of his room, completely unchanged. He knew he had his mom to thank for that, and he couldn't wait to see her and tell her how very much he'd missed her.

The familiar scents of bacon, eggs and pancakes didn't hurt, either, as he pulled himself from bed and down the steps to his family's too-bright kitchen. He winced at the light, but made himself keep walking.

Eric grinned at his mother's back, as she flipped another flapjack, and then sneaked up behind her, enfolding all of her petite frame in his lanky arms. "Hi, Mom."

"Oh, Eric!" The pan tossed in her hands, and there was suddenly pancake on the ceiling, but Eric and his mother both just laughed, and she turned around to hug him properly. "I've missed you so much!"

"Me too. All the time. Especially every time I ate."

Kitty giggled and patted his cheek affectionately. "Well, they didn't teach you subtlety at any of those places you went. Sit down. Eat."

Eric didn't need to be told twice. But, as he moved to his usual seat at the kitchen table, he couldn't help but notice that there was a mountain of food set out on all the counters, as well as the table. More even than he would have expected for his return home.

"Is this all for me?"

"Goodness no, honey! Pam is staying with us for the wedding; she's in Laurie's room. And Laurie and Fez can generally be found here whenever there is food. So can Bob, for that matter. Michael and Brooke are in town, and Michael's mother can't stand Brooke, so I think they'll be here as early as possible. Steven, Jackie, W.B. and Angie might stop by. Oh, I feel like I'm forgetting someone…"

_Donna_, was Eric's mental hope, but he was too afraid to say it.

"Damn, Kitty, it smells good in here."

"Oh, of course, your father!" Kitty twittered. She greeted Red with a swift kiss. "Help yourself, dear."

The sliding door crashed open, and Laurie sauntered in, glaring at Eric for no reason that he could name. Except, oh right, she was the _devil_.

"Hey, baby, next time you decide to send your stupid foreign friend home in a dress, can you check if I have company first? Because _that_ was embarrassing."

"As embarrassing as having 'company' at four in the morning who isn't still there at nine?" Eric returned her evil glare with a blithe look of his own.

"Oh, you son of a bitch!" Fez said happily as he followed Laurie into the house. "That was a brilliant welcome-home burn!"

"Yeah, it was all kinds of _awesome_," Kelso chuckled as he entered from the swinging door on the other side of the kitchen, Brooke close behind.

"Speak for yourself," Brook griped. "I'm somehow the one who got blamed for it by his mother. Apparently, I can't control Michael enough to keep him out of cowgirl boots and a miniskirt. Though I did take pictures, if anyone is interested." She winked at Eric.

"Pictures of what? The only thing anybody needs to be taking pictures of is my wedding! And my dress! And my presents! Oh my God! What if something went wrong with the gift registry, and we end up with, like, antler silverware? Steven, I'm not Donna! I can't live with—"

"Jackie, shut up. Have breakfast." Hyde kissed Kitty good morning and then started filling up a plate, apparently unconcerned that his fiancée was having a nervous breakdown in the doorway.

"Eric, where is Donna?" she demanded, honing in on him. Eric swore she blocked out the sunlight as she approached. "If you've done anything to upset my maid of honor the day before my wedding, I'm going to—"

"Jackie, relax. I'm right here."

There she was. The sun returned, and it didn't even hurt Eric's eyes anymore. All he could see was Donna, looking radiantly beautiful, with the light from the doorway glinting off her red hair.

She smiled tightly at Eric and gave him a wave but found herself yanked away to a corner of the room by the tyrant bride, who began rattling off instructions and worries and possibly plans for world domination to Donna and Brooke.

The room filled with even more people, more noise, but none of it existed to Eric. Not even Hyde mocking Kelso and Fez about last night could draw his attention away from the corner ten feet away where Donna—_his _Donna—stood.

Even when he was in Africa, she had never seemed more untouchable.

* * *

"Uh, call me crazy, but wasn't this once a playground? I remember, because I'm pretty sure Kelso broke his leg falling off the jungle gym…and his arm falling off the swings…and got his first concussion when Hyde bounced him too hard on the teeter-totter."

Kelso laughed. "Yeah, being a kid was the best, wasn't it?"

Donna shook her head. "You're still the King, Kelso."

"Always, Big D." Kelso winked at her, and Eric envied him even that small gesture.

All day long, he'd been kept away from Donna by Jackie's wedding frenzy, and now, he was _finally _standing next to her, in place for their practice walk down the aisle, and Eric found himself tongue-tied. He couldn't think of how to begin to talk to her.

"Seriously, guys, when did this…" Eric gestured around him at the majestic rose bushes surrounding them, the gazebo in the distance, "…all happen?"

"Well, Hyde wouldn't get married in a church, and Jackie wouldn't get married on Mount Hump, so this was their compromise. Though by 'compromise,' I mean Jackie went to a councilman, an old friend of her father's, and convinced him to tear down the playground and let her plant this. Thenshe went and wheedled W.B. into footing the bill. And _then _she told Hyde she'd found the perfect location, so he'd better suck it up and deal."

Fez sighed dramatically. "Ah, sweet Jackie, the girl's got talent."

"Or a demon possession," Eric shrugged. "Take your pick."

The woman—or possibly hell-spawn—in question marched towards them from the gazebo, where she had been having some words with Pastor Dave about his belief that he could wear brown loafers without socks at her wedding.

"Okay, people, move! This is my wedding, and I'll have no dilly-dallying. Places. NOW!"

Not waiting for the bridal party to line up, she began pulling them into place, causing Betsy and Howard—Angie's two-year-old son—to start crying. Brooke and Angie left their places to calm them down, while Jackie crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently beside them.

"Are they going to be doing that tomorrow? They _can't_ do that tomorrow." She knelt down in front of her flower girl and ring-bearer, all menace gone as she assumed a sugar sweet smile. "Listen, if you two don't cry at Auntie Jackie's wedding, I'll give you both enough candy and cake that when you go home, you can puke all over your parents' cars, okay? But you can't throw up at my wedding, either!"

As the two children continued to whimper, Eric turned to Donna, standing next to him. She was so beautiful. He wanted to tell her so.

"Hey, Donna?"

"Yes, Eric?" She looked at him, and he was as awestruck by her now as he had been at sixteen.

"I…I wanted to say that…I'm glad your hair is red again."

Donna laughed. "Really? I thought you liked the blonde."

"Oh, I did. I really, _really _did. It's just that…in Africa…and, you know, later, whenever I pictured you in my mind, which I did _a lot_, like, pretty much all the time, I always saw you like this, with your hair red and down, and…" Eric wished he could bury his face in it and breathe her in. But as much as Donna looked like she enjoyed the compliment, he felt that might be pushing his luck.

"Eric, I'm—"

"Nuh-uh. No way! Save the lovey-dovey crap for _after _my wedding," Jackie ordered. She had lined up the children and the two couples proceeding Eric and Donna down the center of the rose pathway, and now came to a stop in front of them.

"Yeah, Eric, what were you thinking? Being lovey-dovey at a _wedding_?" Mirth was written all over Donna's face.

God, he wanted to kiss her.

"Eyes straight ahead, Eric. Shoulders back, Donna; I won't have any hunchbacks going down the aisle. I want you both to look regal! Well, as regal as you can; I know you don't have much to work with. Okay, okay, this is it, I think. Mr. Forman! Where's Mr. Forman? Oh my God, he's gonna have a heart attack again, isn't he? And then my wedding will be ruined, and I'll never convince Steven to go through all this again. Never, never, never."

Eric felt his eyes pop as Jackie sunk to the ground in a heap of overwrought tears.

Donna knelt beside her friend, holding her close and letting her cry. "Jackie, I swear, it's all going to be fine. Your wedding _will _happen, and it will be beautiful. But if you don't relax a little bit, you won't be able to enjoy it. And I know you want to enjoy it; you've been looking forward to this day your whole life."

Jackie looked up, eyes puffy and shining with unshed tears. "But that's why I'm so afraid, Donna. This is _my _dream, not Steven's, and I know, I just _know _that he's going to do to me what that stupid jerk Eric did to you."

"Hey!"

Donna glared up at him.

"Well, _come on_, Donna. It was four years ago; I'm sure some other dumbass has left his bride at the altar in all that time. Why do I always have to be the example?"

"Oh, just go away, Eric," Jackie pouted. "Go…convince Steven to leave me or something."

Eric sighed. He really didn't want to be the one to reassure Jackie, but it looked like he would have to be. He squatted down on the ground beside her. "Look, Jackie, you know how I feel about you, right?"

Miserable, Jackie nodded. "You hate me."

"Well, I'm not sure I'd go straight to _hate_. There are so many different levels of dislike…" At Donna's glare, he stopped his ramblings short. "Anyway, my point is, I have no reason to lie to you to make you feel better, right?"

"I guess not. Why?"

"Because I know that Hyde is going to marry you tomorrow, no matter what. He's not going to leave you, Jackie. That guy…that guy is in love with you. For keeps." Eric couldn't help glancing at Donna as he spoke, and he saw the approval that sparkled in her eyes.

"Really?" Jackie sat up, wiping her tears away. "Thanks, Eric. You know if you could come up with some girly crap like that for Donna, you might have the tiniest chance with her." She bounced to her feet, happy and once again in control. "I'm gonna go fix my face and find your dad, and then we can get this rehearsal rolling."

Eric and Donna stood as well, and Donna placed her hand in his. He had missed the feel of her skin.

"That was really great of you, Eric. Jackie's not been herself lately. No, that's a lie. Jackie's been _too much _herself lately."

"Donna, do I have the tiniest chance with you?" The words popped out of his mouth before he could stop them, but Eric didn't wish them back. He had to know.

Donna looked away, her smile falling. "I don't know, Eric. You've been gone so long, without a word or anything, and now you just show up, and—"

"It wasn't that I wasn't thinking about you. God, Donna, I think about you all the time. I can't even get to a third date with another woman, because they never compare to you. You're it for me. You always have been."

"Then why did you leave me, you dillhole?" Even the name tacked on at the end of the sentence couldn't disguise the pain in Donna's voice.

"I'm sorry, Donna. I thought—"

"Okay, we're ready now!" Jackie chirped, as she walked up on Red's arm.

"FINALLY!" Kelso yelled. "Damn, Jackie, for a girl who's been waiting her whole life to trap a man, you're sure taking your sweet time about it."

* * *

"Hey, Donna," Eric whispered, leaning closer so the rest of the people gathered around the long table in The Vineyard wouldn't hear him. "Are we supposed to toast them now?"

"What?" Donna whipped her head around. She had been talking with Brooke across the way and doing her best to ignore Eric, even though he was seated right next to her.

She was very, very good at it.

"Jackie and Hyde, I know we're supposed to toast them at the wedding reception, but do we need to at the rehearsal dinner?"

"Huh. You know what? I don't know. Do you want me to ask around?"

"Wouldn't that make a big deal out of it, though? I don't have anything planned, do you?"

Donna shook her head. "Not for tonight. I do for tomorrow, of course." Her eyes narrowed as Eric squirmed in his seat. "Eric, the best man's toast is one of the highlights of the reception! Please tell me you're not going to wing it?"

"Hey, I don't know why you're looking at _me_! Hyde hasn't even written his vows yet, and I'm thinking if he goes up there and says, 'Crap, Jackie, I said I'll marry you, so here I am,' no one's going to care very much about my toast."

"Hyde hasn't written his _vows_?"

Donna's tone of horror made Eric very smug. He knew he'd been right when he told Hyde what a big deal it was.

"Eric, you have to do something about this!"

"Like what? If our seventh grade English teacher couldn't convince Hyde to write a book report on _Great Expectations_, and she was the hottest lady we'd ever seen, I hardly think I'm going to be able to make him literate."

"Well, maybe you could just…just…Oh!" Donna's face lit with her idea, and she grabbed Eric's arm. "_You_ could write vows for him."

"What? No, Donna. Hyde kinda already asked me, but I can't do that. I can't think of nice things to say about _Jackie_."

"Well, why do they have to be specifically about Jackie?"

"Um, because it's _her_ wedding? I mean, I agree it would be more fun to have been there when he married the stripper, but I think Jackie would be pissed if I brought that up in the vows."

"Look, Eric, when my parents had their weird vow renewal ceremony, they made me write their vows. Do you remember that?"

"A guy does not forget the first day he beds a gorgeous redhead, Donna. Or, you know, the first day he has sex with a real, live girl, either."

"Before that, dumbass," Donna said, but she blushed prettily. "I wrote those vows by thinking of you, of how I felt for you. Why can't you do the same thing for Hyde, thinking of me?"

"I don't know, Donna. You and Jackie are so different. You're tall…she's short…you're not evil incarnate…and that's just for starters!"

"You'd better at least try, Eric. Because if something goes wrong at that wedding tomorrow, Jackie's going to freak, and you know who she's going to blame, don't you?"

Eric groaned. "Fine. I'll write Hyde's stupid vows, but he's just gonna kick my ass and say I sound like a girl."

"Try not to sound like a girl, then." Donna was smiling at him again, though, so Eric seized his chance.

"Donna, would you please come talk with me alone for a minute? I'd like to finish our conversation from earlier."

She bit her lip, hesitating, but finally nodded.

Neither of them bothered with jackets as they made their way out to the terrace. It was a lovely, balmy night in late June. The stars were out; everything was perfect, so romantic.

"Okay, dumbass, let's hear your apology."

"I, well, yeah, I am sorry. I'm definitely sorry for hurting you, and I am sorry for every single day I've been away from you, because they hurt, Donna. They never stop hurting. But what I really want to do is explain _why_."

"I know why. You were feeling trapped, by Point Place, by your life." She looked away. "By me."

"No, no, no, see, Donna, that's not it!" Eric took a deep breath, and then began. He knew this would take a while. "There have been a lot of burns made about me running out on our wedding since I got back, but I don't regret doing that. And I don't think you regret that I did, either."

"We've talked about that, Eric. We weren't ready to get married yet, so, yeah, I'm okay that you ran. Though I still think you were a jerk not to tell me first."

"I know. But I didn't run because I was scared of marrying you. What I was scared of, what was giving me nightmares, was the idea that someday _you _would regret marrying me. Our whole lives, Donna, you'd talked about all the places you wanted to go, the things you wanted to see, and if we got married then, you would have lost out on all of that. And you would have resented me for it."

"I know all this. You don't have to keep explaining it, all right? I don't care about the burns; they're funny, but they don't hurt."

"We have talked about the wedding, but we haven't talked about how the wedding led to Africa. Donna, we didn't get married, but we were still just sitting there, stagnant. Not doing anything. _You _weren't doing anything. You stayed at the stupid little community college for me, and you could have had so much more than that."

"It was worth it to be with you."

"No, Donna, it wasn't. And when I went to Africa, it was for me, I admit that. Because I had finally come to see what you always saw—that Point Place could swallow us whole if we let it. But when I got to Africa, when I found myself in a place so foreign to everything I knew, the first thing I wanted was for you to experience those kinds of things, too. And _that _is why I broke up with you. I wanted you to be free to explore the world."

"You might have mentioned that to me at the time, you dillhole."

"I, I kinda thought you'd see it for yourself. But as time went on, it got too painful to talk to you, because for all my noble gestures—or, at least, what I thought was noble—I wanted you with me every single moment."

"I never did go see the world, Eric." Donna's voice was soft, her face sad in the moonlight.

"I know. Why is that?"

"I think…I think I was waiting for you. And I think maybe I hate you for that."

* * *

"Aww, Steven, I hate that you have to spend the night in the icky, old basement."

"Then why are you making me?"

"It's bad luck, Steven, for the groom to see the bride before the wedding! You know that."

"That's crap, Jackie. It's just another way that the government and previous, prudish generations try to enforce their antiquated morality on us, and you're letting them win!"

"Oh, Steven, you're so cute when you use political crap to try to talk me into bed. Night, Puddin' Pop." She leaned in to give her fiancé a chaste kiss, but Hyde grabbed her, and the innocent caress quickly turned into something that made Eric nauseous.

"Hey, Jackie, how 'bout you save all that lovey-dovey crap for after the wedding, huh?"

Jackie sent Eric a scathing glare, but she had to remove her tongue from Hyde's throat to do it, so Eric's purpose was accomplished. "Don't take it out on me that you managed to piss off Donna again, Eric Forman! I told you not to upset my maid of honor before the wedding, and what did I have to spend the second half of my rehearsal dinner doing? Listening to how much you suck." Jackie rolled her eyes. "As if I didn't already know that."

Eric sunk down even lower on the old basement couch under the weight of Jackie's verbal lashing. "She's really that pissed?"

"You're going to have to kiss butt like even you have never kissed butt before to get out of this one, man," Hyde told him, smirking.

"But not until—and I really can't stress this enough—_after my wedding_," Jackie added. "Oh Steven, I can't believe that by this time tomorrow, I'll finally be your wife! You…you _are _going to marry me tomorrow, aren't you?"

Hyde took her face in his hands and kissed her softly on the lips, before flicking her chin. "Night, Jackie," he told her, opening the back door and ushering her out.

"But, Steven—"

Hyde shut the door and locked it. "You want a beer, man?"

"No, thanks. I'm going to need a clear head tonight." Eric tapped his pen against the pad of paper in his hands. "Since you're not man enough to do it, I'm going to write your stupid vows for you."

Expressionless, Hyde settled back into his old chair, arms folded as he watched Eric for a minute. "Donna making you?"

"Yes! And it's not fair, man! I'm not the moron who decided to marry Jackie."

"No, you're the moron who decided _not _to marry Donna."

"Well, I'm trying to fix that now!"

Hyde chuckled. "Good luck with that." He stood and walked back to his old basement bedroom, where his cot still waited for him.

Eric glared at the closed door. Hyde should be the one out here stressing over what he was going to say to Jackie tomorrow. Instead, Eric was going to lose a night's sleep coming up with the perfect vows.

They would have to be perfect, if he was going to have any chance at winning Donna back.

Eric thought of Donna. He thought of the first time she kissed him, that night under the stars on the hood of the Vista Cruiser. He thought of her parents' vows, of her in that blue and red dress, of her _out _of that blue and red dress. He remembered his class ring, her promise ring, her engagement ring, the wedding rings they had never worn. He remembered fights and sex and love and laughter.

Eric started to write.

* * *

"This frickin' collar's too tight." Hyde stood in front of the mirror, dressed for his wedding, but compulsively pulling at the bowtie he had tried and failed to talk Jackie out of. His eyes, sans glasses, looked more than a bit unsettled.

Kelso sauntered up and threw an arm around Hyde's shoulders. "Yeah, I don't think that's the collar, man. I think you're feeling the pull of ye olde ball and chain. 'Course you could just start up the Camino outside and take off."

Hyde shook Kelso off and hit his arm. "Cut that out. I'm not leaving."

"_Damn,_ Hyde. I need that ten dollars!"

"Cough it up, Kelso. I told you, Hyde likes Jackie's shackles. Well, who wouldn't? I bet Jackie is very sexy in chains."

"Would you dumbasses get out of here for a few minutes? I need to talk to Steven for a minute."

"About what?"

"What do you think, little buddy?" Kelso snickered. "The birds and the bees, of course."

"Well, that is just silly. Hyde _stung _Jackie a long time ago, if you get what I mean. And I think you do."

"You two. Out. Now. Or you're going to be getting my foot out of your asses."

Fez and Kelso scampered up the stairs, leaving only Eric, Hyde and Red in the Formans' basement. Red turned his glare onto Eric.

"What? I'm not saying anything. I'm just minding my own business, trying to tie my tie. I think you need three hands or something."

"Yeah, or a whole brain. Now, shut up."

Eric tried to hide his grin. His dad's "shut up" was the Red equivalent of letting him stay.

Red cleared his throat. "You know, Steven, there are a lot of things my father said to me before I got married. Now, I may not be your real father, but—"

"Red, it's okay. I know how you feel, man. Me, too. But, uh, let's not say it, all right? I'd like to come through this day with a crumb of cool intact."

Red chuckled and patted Hyde on the back. "You're a good man, son. A bit of a dumbass as a kid, but you straightened it all out. You should teach Eric how to do that."

"Hey! I'm right here!"

"I know. Shut up. Listen, Steven, most of what my father said, well, it was pure crap, to tell you the truth. But he said one thing to me that I've held onto my entire life, and you should hear it, too. That girl you're marrying is the best thing that ever happened to you, so you'd better work your butt off everyday, your whole life, to make sure she keeps loving you as much as she does today."

"Thanks, Red. For everything."

"Yeah, well…" Red shifted his weight awkwardly, before his face hardened. "Just don't screw it up." His words of wisdom dispensed, Red headed back up the stairs.

"And to aid you in not screwing it up, I have something for you, too." Eric grinned, as he came over and handed his eighty-ninth and final draft of Hyde's vows to him. They were printed neatly on a numbered stack of index cards. "Don't blow it, man. Because if you blow it for you, you blow it for _me_."

"Uh, yeah, thanks, Forman." Hyde stuffed the cards in the inner vest pocket.

"You're not even going to look at them?"

"Why?"

"Well, I did work on them all night and most of today, and I don't think a little appreciation would be out of order here," Eric mumbled.

Stone-faced, Hyde stared at him.

"Yeah, I know, all right? I'm a great, big girl."

* * *

It was time. The sun was starting to sink in the sky, the guests were in their seats, and the bridal party was assembled. Eric took his place next to Donna.

She didn't look at him.

"Listen, Donna, I know you're really angry right now, and you probably have good reason to be, but—"

"Probably?" She turned toward him, eyes bulging.

Oh crap, he was making it worse. "_But_," he continued, "could you please do one thing for me? Could you listen to Hyde's vows?"

"Well, of course, she's going to listen to Steven's vows, _Eric_. That's why you're all here. To focus on me and Steven, remember?"

"Er, right, Jackie," Eric said to the eavesdropping bride behind them. But his eyes stayed fastened on Donna, willing her to understand.

She stared right back at him, then slowly, she nodded.

Releasing a breath he hadn't known he was holding, Eric turned back to the rose path ahead of them. Donna's arm was slipped through his; it was all he could feel. Even as he watched Betsy and Howard, then Angie and Fez, then Brooke and Kelso head down the aisle, he couldn't turn off his awareness of Donna.

It was their turn, and Eric did his best to match that stupid step, pause, step rhythm Jackie had made them practice a thousand times at her rehearsal the night before. But this time, a hundred people were watching, including his already sobbing mother, and he felt even stupider than before.

"Jeez, at my wedding, the aisle's gonna be a whole lot shorter," Donna muttered under her breath.

Eric grinned, relieved he wasn't alone.

Hyde waited in front of the gazebo, Kelso and Fez lined up behind him. He looked pale and clammy, and the only time Eric had seen him this nervous was the first time they climbed up the water tower together, when they were eight years old. But he was there, and he wasn't running.

Eric reluctantly stepped away from Donna. He patted Hyde's back as he took his place beside his best friend. "You okay?"

"I'm cool, man," Hyde whispered, looking anything but. "It's…"

The wedding march began to play, and Hyde visibly swallowed.

With Eric's father at her side, Jackie began her walk down the aisle. Even Eric had to admit she looked beautiful. She practically glowed, her tan skin offset by the white of her wedding dress, white rosebuds woven through her dark hair. As soon as Hyde set eyes on her, the tension in his body melted away. He almost seemed, well, happy.

Eric glanced across the aisle at Donna. She was beaming at Jackie; her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. She had never been more beautiful.

Red and Jackie reached the gazebo, and Eric was surprised when his dad leaned forward and kissed Jackie's cheek. "You're a good girl," he said softly, taking her hand in his and transferring it to Hyde. "Take care of her, son."

"Yes, sir." Hyde pulled Jackie towards him while Red took his seat next to Kitty. "You look beautiful."

"Oh Steven!" Jackie's eyes shone. Her eyes were always a bit weird, Eric thought, with their two different colors, but today, they were otherworldly. Two planets colliding, and the explosion was beautiful.

Pastor Dave started to talk, but Eric tuned out his lame attempts to sound hip, in favor of staring at Donna. The fading sun shimmered over her bare shoulders; the slight breeze played with loose tendrils of her hair.

"And now, the bride and groom have elected to write their own vows for each other. Jackie, if you would please share with us…"

Eric forced himself to pull his eyes off Donna and onto her friend. The setting sun glittered around Jackie's head and gave her a kind of halo as she looked lovingly up at Hyde.

"Steven, my whole life I dreamed of this day, the day I would finally marry the man of my dreams. I had everything planned out from the time I was six, and a lot of what surrounds us here is nothing like what I wanted. And a lot of that is your fault, you and your 'I won't have any unicorns at my wedding, Jackie.'"

Hyde fidgeted, pulling at his collar again.

"But that doesn't even matter to me anymore, Steven, because _you _are worth so much more to me than all that other stuff. I had my wedding planned all along, but I had no idea what my husband should be like until I met you. We, uh," Jackie stopped for a moment, as tears started to get the best of her, but she pushed them away and went on stronger than before, "we didn't love each other at first. We kind of hated each other, actually. But from the very beginning, I knew you were someone I could lean on. I felt _safe _with you, Steven. No matter what horrible thing happened in my life, I knew I could run to you.

"So now, I want to stand here, in front of our friends and family, and promise to be the safe place for you that you've always been for me. Neither of us really had much of a home growing up."

Eric saw Pam shift uncomfortably in her seat. He had heard that Jackie's father split the day he got out of prison with an old secretary and some money he'd stashed. Edna and Bud weren't even here to feel the burn. Of course. W.B. just looked sad.

"In fact, if it weren't for the Formans, we probably wouldn't even know what a home should be like."

Kitty wiped her streaming eyes and blew her nose.

"But when I fell in love with you, you became home to me, Steven. And I promise, from this day forward, to be home to you. Whatever happens in the world around us, you and I will be okay, because we're going to face it together.

"I always wanted a wedding, but now I want a marriage. I love you, Steven Hyde, in a way I never thought I could love anyone—even more than I love _myself_—and I give myself to you, from now until forever."

"And now, Steven, if you would please share your vows to Jackie."

Hyde cleared his throat and reached into his vest pocket. He didn't take out Eric's carefully crafted index cards. He took out a messy, crumpled up old cocktail napkin.

Eric started shaking his head furiously. He looked at Donna, then back at Hyde and his napkin, trying to gesture that this wasn't it.

Someone hit him hard on the back. He turned around to see Fez, hand still raised. "What the hell, man?" Eric hissed.

"I am sorry. The way you were flailing around, I thought there must be a bee in your jacket. Is it gone? Ai! I think it is after me now." Fez warily searched the sky around him, shooing imaginary bugs away with his hands.

Shoulders slumping in defeat, Eric turned back to Hyde. This was going to be a train wreck, both for him and Donna, and for Jackie's perfect wedding. He just knew it.

"Sorry I didn't memorize this," Hyde muttered. "I, uh, I didn't really want to get married, for a long time. A lot of the reasons why were bullshit—"

Pastor Dave coughed and shook his head. Eric let his head fall down on his chest, unable to bear the weight. This was going to be so bad.

"Oh right, sorry. Anyway, they were stupid reasons. But one of them has always held valid. I never wanted to get up here and lie to you, Jackie, or to make promises I knew I couldn't keep. When you wanted us to write our own vows, I couldn't write anything for a long time. I can't say that sappy stuff, and I didn't want to lie. So…one day, I just started writing down things I knew were true. And here they are."

Hyde raised the napkin, squinting his eyes to read it in the failing light. "You're, you're beautiful, Jackie. You're the most beautiful damn thing I've ever seen, and I thought that a long time before I ever told you. And I'm sorry if you ever spent a day believing otherwise because of me.

"I hate seeing you cry. More than I hate the government, or Edna, or roller disco, I hate to see you cry. I'd like to promise you that I'm never going to make you cry, but we both know that's never gonna happen, so I'll just say that anytime you cry—whether it's my fault or not—I'm going to do everything I can to make you smile instead."

Jackie sniffled, tears dripping down her cheeks.

"Ah crap, you're crying already."

"No, no, Steven, this doesn't count, 'cause I'm smiling, too. Go on. Please."

"Okay." Hyde's eyes skimmed over the napkin, before turning it over. "Okay, yeah. I know there are a lot of things you want in life, and I know I'm not always good about giving them to you the second you ask for them. But I promise I will always make sure you have everything you need, and try to give you what you want—so long as it's not too stupid or crazy or annoying."

Jackie swatted Hyde's shoulder playfully, but now she was laughing through her tears.

"One last thing: I am never going to run away from you. We may fight every single day, and I'm sure there are days I'll be pissed as hell at you, but I'm not leaving. Because…because you're the one thing in my life that makes all the other crap worthwhile, and I love you." Hyde stumbled over the last few sentences, slurring the words together he spoke so fast.

Eric doubted the people in attendance could hear over half of what Hyde had said, but Jackie had heard every word, and Eric figured that was all that really mattered.

"Oh Steven, I love you, too!" Jackie bawled, pulling his face toward hers for a long, loving kiss.

"Whoa, wait a minute, everybody," Pastor Dave cut in with a nervous laugh. "We're not to that part yet."

Jackie pulled away, a smile glowing over her whole face. "Who cares? Tradition is nothing but previous generations trying to stop the revolution, anyway."

Hyde smirked. "That's my girl."

* * *

"Now, to dance their first dance, may I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Steven Hyde!"

Everyone clapped and cheered—Kelso let out a wolf whistle—as Jackie and Hyde took the floor while Elton John's "Tiny Dancer" started to play. Eric watched as they swayed together; he had never really understood the phrase, "the world fell away," until that moment. In the midst of a hundred people, Jackie and Hyde were all alone.

Eric smiled, genuinely happy for his friends. Even if things didn't work out with Donna, it was worth coming home to see this.

"Hey."

He jumped as Donna appeared at his side. "Oh, hey, Donna. I didn't really think you were going to talk to me tonight."

"Yeah, I didn't think I was going to, either. But while we were getting pictures taken, Hyde handed me something." Donna produced a pile of index cards from behind her back. "Said you gave them to him by mistake."

Eric swiveled his head to find his friend on the dance floor. Hyde jerked his head from Eric to Donna and gave him a thumb's up, then buried his face in Jackie's hair and was lost again in his moment.

"Uh, yeah, well, you did ask me to…and I didn't know that Hyde had…and—"

"Eric, I'm sorry about last night. I don't hate you. I could never hate you; I love you. I just don't think you handled things right, so I was pissed at you. But then, reading these, I realized something: you're a dumbass."

"Gee, thanks, Donna."

"But you're _my _dumbass."

Eric grinned. "Always have been, always will be."

The deejay invited other couples out to join the newlyweds. Hyde whisked a delighted Kitty onto the dance floor, while Jackie somehow wheedled and forced Red into dancing with her.

"So…dance with me?" Donna extended her hand for his.

"Yes, yes." Eric couldn't keep the stupid smile off his face as he took Donna in his arms.

"So, Eric, what happens now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, are you going to stay here, or go back, or what?"

Eric swallowed, turned his face away. "Donna, I can't stay here."

Donna nodded. "I figured that."

"Come with me." It was said with every ounce of conviction Eric had in his body.

"Where?"

"Anywhere. _Everywhere._ Donna, I didn't like the vision of you leaving me, and I hated the reality of leaving you. This time, let's leave together."

Donna bit her lip and didn't say anything for a long time. But she snuggled closer to him as they danced, and Eric saw that as a good sign. Finally, she leaned back and looked at him. "I have one more year of school left, Eric. Stay, here, with me, until it's over, and I'll go with you."

"You, pretty lady, have got yourself a deal." It wasn't worth a moment's thought. And when she started looking at him _that _way… "So, Donna, do you think anyone would mind if we cut out of here early?"

"They might. You're supposed to give a toast, remember?"

All the blood left Eric's face.

"You did remember to write a toast, didn't you, Eric?"

"See, here's the thing, Donna…."


	7. Laurie Loves Babies

**Disclaimer: **These characters are not mine. Though if it were only a three minute run, I might consider kidnapping a couple.

**Spoilers: **Through early season eight. AU after that.

**Author's Notes: **This chapter is the only one that was not originally in my outline for this story. (I had planned it for eight chapters; it will now be nine.) The problem came when I was rewatching season two for "Filling the Gaps." See, the thing is, um, I kinda love Laurie Forman. I know it's wrong; I just can't help it—I'm like Kelso that way. And there was this one pivotal moment for Jackie & Hyde that I planned to skip because, a) it's been done before, and done well, and b) I felt that with all the intruding these chapters were doing on J/H moments, maybe they deserved this one just to themselves. But then, Laurie got in my head and wouldn't shut up until she had her own chapter, too. So, as with anytime I write Laurie, picture Lisa Robin Kelly, because she _is _Laurie. Also, the Laurie who exists in this chapter is pretty much drawn entirely from the end of the episode "Baby Fever."

Deep thanks to everyone who reviews, and especially to zeureka and heatherlea75 whose praise inspired and humbled me, and made this chapter the easiest writing process in the whole story.

I swear, one of these days, I'm going to start a chapter with no author's notes, and you people are not going to know what to do with yourselves.

**Outside Looking In**

_**VII. Laurie Loves Babies**_

Laurie liked her job. Well, "liked" was maybe too strong a word. She didn't really like anything that required her to wear clothes. But, for a job, receptionist at the ob./gyn. floor of the hospital wasn't bad. The doctors were almost universally sexy, and about half of them were unhappily married, so she had plans every night of the week. She got to spend a lot of time talking on the phone, and she was _much _hotter than all the fat chicks who kept coming in here.

But, though she would never admit it, her favorite part of the job was the babies. They were so tiny and cute, and they didn't ever talk back to her. Even their crying wasn't too bad, because there were only three things babies needed: sleep, bottles, and diaper changes. Laurie liked the simplicity of that. Any more than three options, and her head started to hurt.

"Excuse me? _Excuse me!_"

Of course, there was this annoying part of the job. The people who walked in here actually expected her to talk to them and help them with their problems. Lame.

"David, I'll have to call you back…No, not tonight…Because I'm seeing Jimmy tonight!...Well, why should you care? I don't care about your wife…"

Someone was pounding on the bell behind her. Normally, that wouldn't make her cut her call short, but David was starting to cry, so she hung up the phone and turned around.

"What do you want?"

"Oh my God, what are you doing here, you skank?"

She rolled her eyes when she found Kelso's old girlfriend Jackie glaring at her. "Fez said I had to help with the rent this month; apparently, my setting him up with easy women isn't going to cut it anymore. It's not my fault he keeps scaring them off! But Mom found me a place here, so…" She shrugged. "Why are you here? Kelso give you what I gave him?"

Jackie's whole face contorted with revulsion. "_Ewww_! And don't be stupid. I'm _married _to Steven. You were at the wedding, remember?"

"Was there booze?"

"At the reception."

"Then that's why I don't remember."

"Whatever. Look, I have an appointment with Dr. Fielding."

Resigned, Laurie looked through the day's schedule and sure enough found an appointment for Mrs. Steven Hyde. "What is it? Just a check-up?" There was no answer, so Laurie glanced up again. Jackie had paled and was biting her lip. "What? Did Hyde give you something? Is there chafing? The worst ones chafe."

"Ugh! _No_, not all of us are slutbags like you, Laurie. I…I think I'm pregnant, okay?"

"Ah, okay. Who's the father?"

Jackie's eyes nearly bulged out of her face. "Who do you think? _Steven_. My husband!" She waved her hand over Laurie's desk, drawing her attention to the large ring there.

"Oh good! Say it just like that, and I'm sure he'll believe you! Have a seat; Dr. Fielding will be with you in a minute."

Jackie stared at her open-mouthed for a minute, before finally shrugging her shoulders and turning away with a muttered, "Whore."

Laurie watched her as she took a seat. A girl like Laurie Forman kept many secrets. If you were going to date married men, it was part of the nature of things. But one thing she never intended to tell anyone was this: she didn't hate Jackie Burkhart. Oh, it was loads of fun taking Kelso away from her and then rubbing it in her face every chance she got. But it was more the principle of the thing. Jackie used hot rollers, and had great hair, and liked the right T.V. shows. She had horrible taste in men—Laurie had only gone for Kelso because she was bored, but Jackie actually seemed to care about the tool, and then she'd moved on to that scruffy loser from the basement—but that didn't generally affect Laurie's opinion of other women. Jackie was bitchy, like Laurie herself, and Laurie kinda dug that about her.

So she watched Jackie, while the younger woman nervously played with her hair and twisted her wedding ring around her finger. If she didn't know better, Laurie would believe her own burn about the baby not being Hyde's. But Jackie wasn't the type who could handle two men at once.

Laurie grinned. She loved her type.

Still, Chuck hadn't called her yet, and she wasn't about to call Larry, so it was either talk to Jackie or do some of that stupid filing that was overflowing her desk.

"Hey, Jackie," she said, coming around the desk and taking a seat across from the anxious brunette, "you want to, I don't know, talk about it?"

"About what? Never mind, 'cause I don't want to talk about anything with you." Jackie paused, then added as an afterthought, "Man-stealer."

"You're still mad about Kelso?"

"_No_! But it's the principle of the thing."

Laurie nodded. "Yeah. If it makes you feel any better, Kelso was rotten in the sack."

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Tell me something I don't know."

"Um, okay. Ooh, here's a good one! Dr. Fielding loves it when I—"

"_Eww!_ I changed my mind. Never, ever tell me anything I don't know."

"Okay! I don't like learning either." Laurie smiled. They were bonding already.

"Go away now."

"Yeah, I'm pretty bored with you, too. But if I don't talk to you, I have to work, so tell me what's wrong!" Laurie gave Jackie her evil stare; it had a habit of making people do what she wanted.

"I already did! I think I'm pregnant!" Jackie glared back; her evil stare was good, too—another reason Laurie liked her—but not as strong as Laurie's.

"But your husband is the father?"

"_Yes_, Laurie, we can't all be whores like you."

"No, some of you have to be boring, stupid housewives, so husbands feel the need to have outrageously good sex with people like me!"

"I can't believe I'm even talking to you."

"Would booze help? I keep a bottle under my desk for times when there's no one to talk to, and I have to file. It makes the work go a _lot_ faster. Or at least I forget about it faster."

"Laurie, do you think you should be drinking at work?"

Laurie's mind refused to grasp Jackie's outlandish question. How else was she supposed to get through an eight hour shift?

"When you're filing, you're filing patients' records, aren't you? They're kind of important."

Laurie shrugged. "Maybe. I'm not really sure. I mean, reading other people's private information is fun, but I can't read the doctors' handwriting on their files. Which is really funny, because they're always so clear when they're leaving dirty messages on my Post-It notes."

Jackie buried her face in her hands. "I knew I should have gone to a hospital in Kenosha."

Laurie walked across the aisle to sit next to Jackie and pat her back. "Aww, come on, cheer up. You're having a baby! That's the best thing ever!"

"Tell that to Steven," Jackie mumbled behind her hands.

"Okay." Laurie started to rise, glad to have a phone call to make, but Jackie yanked her back down.

"NO! You can't say a word to Steven, or…or to Fez, or to anybody, got that, Laurie? _If _I'm pregnant, I need to be the one to tell Steven. Once I find a way to break it to him. It could take a while. Like nine months."

"Well, maybe he'll just think you're getting really fat, and he'll be so disgusted he'll leave you, and then you won't have to tell him!" Laurie grinned and bounced in her seat. She was getting so much better at this helping people thing.

"Mrs. Steven Hyde?" A nurse with a clipboard stood in the doorway.

Jackie rose slowly to her feet, while Laurie jumped up beside her.

"Oh, this is the good part!" Laurie assured her. "Dr. Fielding has the best hands!"

Jackie wrinkled her nose in disgust, before silently following the nurse down the hall. She looked like one of those dogs at the pound, or Fez when Laurie sent him to his room.

* * *

Laurie had just gotten off the phone with Dennis when Jackie returned. Instead of leaving, Jackie sat back down in the waiting room, a dazed look on her face. She put both hands on her stomach, smoothing her shirt until it was flat.

Laurie bounced around to greet her. "Congratulations, Mommy!"

Jackie glanced up at her; her face was stricken, as though she wasn't sure quite who she was looking at. "I'm having a baby."

"I know! Now, this is the part where you get really excited and start screaming and bouncing up and down, or tell me you don't want it and you'll give it to me. Because I'll take it! Really."

"Of course I want it! I'm not giving a whore like you my baby!"

Laurie nodded. "Yeah, that's what everyone keeps saying, but I keep asking. All I need is one."

"Well, it won't be mine, so back off."

"Okay, but you're really starting to confuse me, Jackie."

Jackie snorted. "Like that's hard." She'd definitely spent too much time around Hyde over the years.

Laurie decided to ignore the burn and keep pressing. "But if you want this baby, and it really is your husband's, why aren't you all, you know, annoying and loud and _you _about it?"

"Because Steven won't want it."

"Who cares?"

Jackie looked at her as though Laurie had started speaking a foreign language. "I do! He's my husband."

"Right. So he's stuck with you and your baby. Or at least with paying the bills."

"You don't get it."

Laurie really didn't. To her, Jackie's situation seemed pretty near perfect. And who cared if Hyde left her? He was only Hyde.

"He told me, before we ever got married, that he didn't want kids."

"And you went through with it? God, how dumb are you?"

Jackie gave her another evil glare. This one was better than the last. "I'm smart enough to get the ring on my finger by not picking the fight _then. _I always planned to talk him into kids eventually. After a few years, once my career was set—and oh God, I just got a promotion at work, and now I'm gonna have to take a year's maternity leave, so no one sees how fat I'll get!" Jackie's eyes clouded over with tears.

"Yeah," Laurie commiserated, "and you're tiny, so most of it will end up in your face."

Jackie stifled her wail in a tissue pulled from her purse. "It's all Steven's stupid fault," she griped. "I forgot my pills during our weekend at the cabin, and he couldn't be bothered to go thirty miles through the snow to pick up protection. Then it was all, 'forget it, doll, we'll be fine,' but I just know the second I tell him it will be, 'what the crap were you trying to pull? You set this up, didn't you?'"

"Yeah, men suck. Well, except for their hands. And their mouths. Ooh, and their penises!" Laurie sighed dreamily.

"Gross! I'm going now. I can't believe I told _you _all this."

"No, no, it's good you did. I know just what you need. Come on!"

"I can't drink, Laurie. I'm pregnant, remember? And I don't want my baby ending up like you."

"This is better than a drink. Well, almost. Sometimes." Laurie took her hand and pulled a much-protesting Jackie back down the hallway, past Dr. Fielding's office, to an alcove with a stork painted along one wall.

"See! Isn't it wonderful?" Laurie spread her arms, as though welcoming Jackie to Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Or Chippendale's on Friday nights.

Jackie stepped forward, tentatively nearing the long window Laurie had indicated. Behind the glass lay a row of pink and blue bundles—sleeping, squirming, squalling infants. "Oh!" Her right hand fluttered to rest on her chest, while the left caressed the glass longingly.

"Isn't it great? There's a nurse on guard in there all the time, but someday I'll catch one gone on a bathroom break. It's only a three minute run to the front door."

Jackie blinked at her. "What?"

"Er, I mean…you're having a baby!" Laurie said, with some well-timed misdirection.

"I'm having a baby," Jackie repeated in a whisper. She focused on the babies through the window. "I'm having a baby." A little stronger. One of the little pink babies gurgled up at her. "I'm having a baby!" Jackie was jumping up and down now. "I'm having a baby!"

A very pregnant woman walked into the hall. Jackie ran over to her and clutched her hands. "I'm having a baby! Oh, so are you. Well, mine will be prettier than yours!" Jackie ran back towards the waiting room; Laurie could hear her telling more people her news.

Laurie smiled at the stunned woman Jackie had left in her wake. "She's right, you know. I've seen your husband. Your baby's gonna be an uggo. Too bad about that."

* * *

Laurie hated Hyde, and she hated rock music, and she hated Hyde's stupid rock music store. And the fact that Jimmy insisted on stopping there before their first date ensured that he wasn't getting a second one. The minute the sex was over, she was kicking him out the door.

She flopped down on the couch in the listening center, while Jimmy searched for that Doors album that he was so sure would only be there on this one day. She crossed her arms and sulked.

"Hey, Laurie, get your ass off my couch! I don't need my customers suing me if they catch something from you."

"I'm the one who should sue. I'll probably get head lice from your stupid hippie customers." It was meant to be a retaliatory burn, but the thought of creepy crawlies made Laurie jump to her feet.

Hyde chuckled. "Man, Laurie. That was weak."

"Yeah, I think I've gotten out of practice without you and Eric around." Laurie sighed.

"Hey, you've got Fez."

"But all I have to do to burn him is turn him down for sex. It's too easy."

"Like you."

_Hyde: 2, Laurie: 0._

This could not be allowed to continue. There must be something she could burn him with. But he wasn't poor anymore, and he didn't live in the basement.

The door jingled open, and Jackie entered. The brunette's eyes widened at the sight of Laurie. Laurie grinned. Now, she remembered. This should be fun.

"Oh, hi, Jackie. Didn't think I'd be seeing you again so soon," she said, with a bright, purposely ditzy smile.

Jackie didn't rise to the bait. She swept past Laurie and grabbed her husband's hand in hers. "Steven, I need to talk to you."

"Crap. What did I do now?"

"Nothing. But there's something I need to tell you, before you hear it from someone else." She glared at Laurie, but there was a plea and a warning in her eyes.

"Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good. Jackie, have you been letting another man put his hands on your naughty parts?"

Hyde looked between the two of them, before focusing on his wife. "Jackie, do you know how to translate whore into English? What the hell is she talking about?"

The look on Jackie's face reminded Laurie eerily of the day she'd jumped at her over the couch. Laurie took a cautious step back.

"Laurie works in my gynecologist's office, that's all. I had an appointment today."

"Wait. Laurie works in a doctor's office? Doesn't that violate _every _health code? Although I'm sure it's convenient for you; you can keep those penicillin refills coming."

_Hyde: 4._

"Jackie's pregnant!"

_Laurie: 7 lbs. 4 oz._

"You BITCH!" Jackie screamed. She took a long stride toward Laurie.

"Now, now, Jackie, think about the baby," Laurie warned, but she retreated across the store all the same.

"You're—you're pregnant?" Hyde stammered.

Hyde's dirty hippie friend was walking past and stopped. He looked at Laurie. "Whoa. You're pregnant? Congratulations, man. It's not mine, is it?"

His own address he forgot, but the fact that she'd once let him get to third base three years ago, he remembered. "_No!_" Laurie shrieked. "It's not even mine!"

"Wow. That's like a miracle or somethin', man."

"Steven? Steven, please, say something," Jackie whimpered.

"You're—you're pregnant?"

Tears swelled in Jackie's eyes. Her gaze traveled from Hyde, to Laurie, to Leo, to the growing crowd of onlookers. With a strangled cry, she ran out the door.

"Nice going, Hyde!" Laurie turned the full force of her death glare onto him.

"Me!?" Hyde's stupor left with Jackie's disappearance. He turned to Laurie, fists balled at his side. "_You're _the one who did all this!"

"All I did was tell the truth! Something your wife was too afraid to do, because she knew you'd be an ass about it, and, guess what? You were."

"Jackie was afraid to tell me?"

Laurie nodded, smiling. It was so great to know things other people didn't. "Yeah. She probably ran out of here like that so she wouldn't have to hear you start blaming her."

"Blame her? Why would I blame her?"

"Because you're an ass. Keep up, Hyde."

"Get out, Laurie."

Laurie frowned. "Are you sure? I could take you to see the baby window! It cheered Jackie right up!"

"Out."

"Fine! I hate your stupid store anyway. It smells like feet. And your baby will, too." Laurie looked for Jimmy and saw him next in line at the register, beaming down at a dumb album cover. She marched over and grabbed his collar. "Come on, Jimmy. We're leaving."

"But…but the Doors, man!"

She tossed the album across the room. "I'm pissed and bored, and I need sex now."

"You don't want, you know, dinner and a movie first?"

Laurie rolled her eyes. "This is the last time I'm letting my mother set me up." She pulled him out of Grooves by his shirtfront.

* * *

It wasn't even good sex; she'd had to do most of the work herself.

The moron still looked dazed as he pulled into her parents' driveway. "So I'll, I'll call you?" He was liking her a lot better now. Surprise, surprise.

"Gee, that'd be super, Jimmy," Laurie simpered then sped out of the car so he couldn't see her smile turn into a scowl.

"Wait a minute! I don't have your number!"

She slammed the sliding glass door shut in his face. That should give him a hint. If it didn't, she'd just introduce him to Daddy.

The sobs overwhelmed her, the instant she stepped inside.

"Jackie, Jackie, dear, won't you please tell us what's wrong?"

"Ste-Steven…and the…and then…ca-cabin…and…"

"Damn it, Kitty, I don't care what's wrong. Get the girl off me before I drown."

Laurie took in the strange scene at the kitchen table. Jackie sobbing into Red's shoulder, while Red alternated between patting her back and trying to push her away, and Laurie's mother hovering nervously, stroking Jackie's hair while trying to convince her to eat a cupcake.

"God, don't you have your own parents to cry on?" Laurie shot out, struck by a sudden, rare pang of jealousy.

Kitty covered Jackie's ears as she raised her face to her daughter. "No, she doesn't," she whispered.

"YOU!" Jackie shook off Kitty's touch and rose to her feet. All her tears had suddenly dried. "I always knew you were evil, but why would you do that to me? I thought you were happy about the baby!"

"I am! But Hyde kept burning me, and I had to burn him back, or else lose everything my reputation is built upon. I'd be like Eric or something." Laurie shuddered at the thought.

"Wait a minute!" Kitty broke in. "Baby? What baby? Jackie, are you having a baby?"

Miserable, Jackie nodded.

Kitty clapped her hands together and squealed. "Oh! Isn't that the most wonderful thing? Red, don't you think that's just the most wonderful thing you've ever heard? A baby! Oh! Jackie, what are you doing standing there? Sit down, sit down." She practically pushed Jackie back into her seat at the table. "Have a cupcake. And I'll get you a nice big glass of milk. Is there anything else you'd like to eat? If we don't have it here, I'm sure Red will pop right out and get it for you."

"No, I won't," Red said, picking up his newspaper.

"This is, this is really nice, Mrs. Forman, but I—"

"Oh, don't you worry about a thing, dear. I'm serious. You need rest and food, and where better to find that than here? I don't like the idea of you all alone in that apartment while Steven is at work. He should drop you off here every morning on his way in! But all that traveling won't be good for you either. Oh, I know! You should both move back in here!" Kitty squeezed the back of Jackie's chair, bending over while she beamed and tried to suppress her giggles of delight. "You two can have Eric's room, and we'll turn Laurie's old room into a nursery!"

"Hey!" Laurie protested. She glared at Jackie. This was so unfair. Laurie should be the one having the baby and being made a big fuss over. She took it back. She _did _hate Jackie.

"Kitty, settle down. They're not moving back in here." Red pointed his finger at Jackie, his face stern. "You're not moving in here."

Laurie grinned, leaning down to kiss her father on his shiny, bald head. "I love you, Daddy." She pointed her tongue out at Jackie while Kitty wasn't looking.

"Love you, too, Kitten. But you're not moving in here either." Red raised his paper again.

"Well, of course, she's not. The baby is going to need a playroom, at least. There's not room in that tiny apartment of yours, Jackie. You'll just have to bring him—or her—or _them_…" Kitty giggled and clapped at her idea of twins. "…over every, single day."

"One baby, Mrs. Forman. I'm having one baby," Jackie said quickly, looking horrified. "And it's a good thing, too, because Steven doesn't even want this one." Tears pooled in her eyes.

It amazed Laurie. She could cry on cue, but she sensed that Jackie's tears were actually, bizarrely, _real_. That wasn't natural.

"Not want a baby?" It was Kitty's turn to be horrified. Then she turned a hateful glare on her husband. "This is all your fault, Red Forman."

Red groaned. "Kitty, I had absolutely nothing to do with making Steven a dumbass."

"Yes, you did! All your hating babies has rubbed off on him. It's no wonder I still have no grandchildren, Red!"

"Sure, rub it in, Mom," Laurie griped, but no one paid any attention to her.

"For crying out loud, Steven is a grown man, who can make up his own mind about things. If he doesn't want children, that's between him and Jackie. Why must you people always drag us into your messes?"

"I…I'm so-sorry, Mr. For-man," Jackie stuttered in a slightly hysterical voice. "I d-don't mean to b-be such a, a bother." It was the most she could handle. She laid her arms out on the table and folded her head down onto them.

"Now look what you've done!" Kitty shrieked, moving swiftly to console Jackie.

Red sighed. "I just wanted to read my paper."

Laurie turned at the sound of the sliding door opening. She pointed to the entering Hyde. "It's not your fault, Daddy. It's his. Make him suffer." She grinned evilly at her pseudo-adopted brother.

"Hey, Laurie. Your date left your panties in the driveway." When Laurie tried to see around Hyde out the door, he chuckled. "Made you look."

"St-Steven, what are you doing here?" Jackie hiccoughed, raising her puffy, blotchy face. This was why Laurie never cried for real. It made you look terrible; even Jackie couldn't pull it off.

"Picking you up. Let's go home, Jackie."

"No," Jackie shot out, sitting straighter in her chair. "You go. I'm staying with Mrs. Forman. She's already offered me and the baby a home here."

"Oh yay! A baby in the house again!" Kitty laughed, then abruptly sobered as her eyes landed on Hyde. "I mean, I'm _so_ sorry, Steven."

"Mrs. Forman, Red, could you please give Jackie and me a minute alone to talk?"

Kitty placed herself protectively in front of Jackie. "After all the horrible things you said to this poor girl?"

"Mrs. Forman, I didn't say _anything _to Jackie."

"Well, that's just as bad!" Jackie yelled.

"Jackie, you didn't give me the chance to say anything. You just dropped—no, wait, let _Laurie _drop—this huge news on me and then you ran out before I'd even processed any of it."

Slightly cowed, Kitty turned back to Jackie. "Jackie, dear, is this true?"

"Well, yeah, but only because I knew what he was going to say anyway!"

Red groaned and stood. "Come on, Kitty. Let's let these dumbasses work this one out for themselves. You," he pointed at Jackie, "listen to what your husband has to say. And you," he turned toward Hyde, "for heaven's sake, make her stop crying. She's a human faucet." He stalked out of the kitchen, pulling his reluctant wife with him.

"I'm just going to tape a new letter for Eric," Laurie heard her mother say before the kitchen door swung shut.

Hyde turned to glare at Laurie.

"What?"

"Get out of here, man!"

"Oh. No." Laurie sat down on one of the barstools. "I like seeing people fight. Besides, Jackie might need the moral support."

"That's right. Laurie can stay," Jackie piped up.

"What!? Jackie, you hate her."

"I know that, but she's actually happy about this baby, so I like her better than you right now."

Laurie smiled and blinked innocently at Hyde. "Do you hear that, Hyde? I'm your wife's favorite."

Hyde ignored her. He sat down at the table, across from Jackie. "Jackie, why do you think I don't want this baby?"

"Um, because you told me you never wanted to have a baby. Like a thousand times."

"Yeah, I also told you we weren't getting those purple curtains, and what color are our damn curtains?"

"They're the most beautiful pale lavender—"

"They're purple, Jackie."

"So what's your point?"

"My point is that it's your job to talk me into stuff I don't want. I knew when I married you that that would include babies someday."

Jackie still looked unsure. "Sooo you're _not _mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"Because I forgot my pills that weekend at the cabin, but still seduced you into bed."

"I'm sorry. Who seduced who again?" Hyde smirked.

"Oh gross," Laurie put in.

Jackie whirled to glare at her. "I could make you leave, you know."

Laurie bit her tongue, literally, to keep in her retort.

"Look, Doll, I said at the time it would be fine. Did you forget?"

"I didn't forget. I just didn't think you meant 'fine,' as in, 'it's okay if you get pregnant, fine.' I thought you meant, 'fine,' as in, 'just take off your panties, fine.'"

"It can't mean both?"

"Steven!" But Jackie laughed and half-heartedly swatted at him. Hyde caught her hand and pulled her out of her seat and into his lap. Her fingers played absently with the sunglasses resting in the collar of his shirt. "So we're fine?"

"Yeah, we're cool."

"And you're not mad?"

"Nah."

"And you're happy about the baby?"

Hyde hesitated.

"_Steee-ven_…" Jackie's voice hovered between warning and whining.

"Honest?"

"Are you crazy?" Laurie threw out. "You can't be honest. You heard what Daddy said about her crying, didn't you?"

Hyde went on as though he hadn't heard her. "Right now, I'm a little bit happy, a shitload freaked out."

"Wow. I never would have known, Steven. You seem so in control."

Hyde nodded smugly. "It's the Zen, baby."

"Steven, you want to know something? I'm a little freaked out, too."

"No, really? Who would have guessed?" Laurie asked, sarcasm dripping from her words.

"_But,_" Jackie continued, "but I know that when the time comes, we're going to be just fine at this whole parenting thing. I mean, we're good at everything!"

"And hey, if you're not, I can baby-sit!"

"Oh, yeah." Jackie pivoted to face Laurie. "About that. You're not going to be allowed near my baby. Did I forget to mention that?"

"What!? Why not?" Laurie let her inner evil infect her voice and expression.

"Well, I can't have you getting your slut germs all over it. No offense." Jackie shrugged, while Hyde smirked at Laurie.

Laurie's eyes narrowed. It was official. She might not have hated Jackie Burkhart, but she _despised _Jackie Hyde. "Fine then! I'm going to have to go have sex with Fez now, thanks to you."

Jackie's face twisted in revulsion. "_Ewww! _Why thanks to me?"

"Because if you're not going to share, I need my own damn baby!" Laurie headed for the door, glaring at the parents-to-be all the way.

As she left, she heard Hyde mumble behind her, "Perviest babies ever."


End file.
